Madonna Adopts Nick Griffin

POP icon Madonna has adopted the BNP leader Nick Griffin, describing him as the ‘perfect addition’ to her rainbow tribe.

Madonna first saw Griffin on the BBC’s Newsnight programme blaming Muslims for the nation’s hard drug problems. She reportedly told friends: “That is adorable and I want one.”

A spokeswoman for the singer said: “Madonna is all about diversity, and you can’t get any more diverse than a Malawian orphan and the puffy, pig-eyed, middle-aged leader of a neo-fascist political party.”

She said Griffin had already settled into Madonna’s London home and was ‘playing well’ with her other adopted son, David Banda.

“Of course we had some initial concerns but David was very forthcoming with his Meccano and by the end of the day they’d built a fully functioning scale model of a crematorium.”

She added: “Nick is very happy here and looks ever so smart in his lederhosen.”

The BNP leader was purchased for an undisclosed sum from his wife, Jackie, who defended her decision to sell her husband.

“I just wanted to give Nick a chance in life. There’s nothing here for him in Barnet.”

She added: “Madonna can give him things I never could, like a pony, a convertible VW and an extensive library of German folk songs.”

Meanwhile sources close to Angelina Jolie last night revealed the film star had made approaches to Essex County Council with a view to purchasing Jim Davidson.


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Millionth Word Will Be Euphemism For Penis, Say Experts

THE millionth word to enter the English language will simply be another term for cock, experts confirmed last night.

According to the Institute for Studies the chances of the millionth word not being a graphic description of the male sex organ were so remote as to be not worth calculating.

Institute director Professor Henry Brubaker said: "To be counted, a word must be used 25,000 times in print and online, so if Gordon Ramsay decided to use a new word like 'gutfister' to bawl his staff out, it would enter the language in about a week.

"But the fact remains that more than 70% of all neologisms in the past 30 years have been some new way of describing your pink hairy piss nozzle."

Recent entries leading up to the million mark are 'spunkpump' (penis), 'meatsock' (penis) 'boylejocking' (berating talent show judges in an impenetrable accent) and 'spoojflute' (penis).

Professor Brubaker added: "Our vocabulary is typically formed in our late teens when we're at university with nothing better to do so naturally conversation turns to inventing new words for your cock and balls.

"Meanwhile, social networking sites are helping to spread new words across the globe very rapidly, so a child in Mumbai may already be calling his knackers his 'sweaty judelaws' without even knowing its derivation."

The Institute has tracked the origin of 'meatsock' to an internet discussion on Gordon Brown, where 'StevieB1827' wrote: "Anyone who trusts that boss-eyed fraud can suck my meatsock while my pair of sweaty judelaws bang rhythmically off their chin."