A MAN has been astounded to learn that a Michelin-starred restaurant provides a more enjoyable experience than a Wetherspoons. 

After 42-year-old Tom Logan took his wife to a pricey establishment for her birthday, he was stunned to discover it was substantially different to the cheap-shit places he normally favours.

Logan said: “I personally don’t see the problem with Pizza Express for your birthday, as I explained to my wife last year as I got out my two-for-one voucher. 

“But this year I’ve had to up my game because she’s been making these serious, worrying comments about ‘what you want from a relationship’, and a divorce settlement will cost a lot more than a fancy restaurant where they don’t microwave everything.

“I was expecting D’Agostino to have all the usual elements of a restaurant: sticky carpets, a pervasive aroma of frying oil and loads of shouting. But the food was tasty, there were clean tablecloths and no one started a fight. Do other people know about this?

“The chefs arranged the food instead of flinging it on a plate like a school dinner lady who hates her life. I asked where the condiment stand was and the waiter looked at me like I’d asked to eat dishwasher tablets.

“I’m still not sure it was worth £130. That’s like 40 pints in Spoons. But at least no one tried to stare me down while I was eating my duck confit.”

Wife Joanna said: “It’s good to broaden Tom’s horizons. Recently he tried to convince me that a burger van is just a type of pop-up restaurant.”