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Where to get your fix of problematic banter now MasterChef has been edited

FEELING you’re missing out on unacceptable jokes now that MasterChef has been sanitised? Here’s where to get your fix of problematic banter.

Visit a building site

Society has progressed in lots of ways in recent years, but building sites are still bastions of controversial wisecracks. The men who work here are skilled artisans when it comes to jokes about women, sexual orientation and race. Within minutes you’ll hear something that’s too sexist and disgusting to have occurred to you before, and if you’re a lady you may even be invited to interact with these wags who could easily earn a living as stand-up comedians.

Phone your dad

He may not be able to cook anything more demanding than a piece of toast, but your dad is on a par with Gregg Wallace and John Torode when it comes to making career-ending quips. Simply ring him up, mention either drag queens or Diane Abbott, then enjoy the ensuing torrent of outdated offensive comments. Make allowance for his age, because you’ll be like him one day. Actually you won’t, unless you only watch 1970s comedians on YouTube for the next 30 years.

Head to an internet comments section

Believe it or not, comment sections aren’t just places where likeminded internet users discuss issues raised by an article and exchange pleasantries. If you scroll down the right ones – the Mail and local newspapers are good – you’ll discover that they’re gold mines of toxic humour laced with conspiracy theories and hate speech the snowed-under moderators haven’t got to yet. This banter may be stronger than what the average MasterChef viewer is used to, but at least it’s not coming from Gregg Wallace’s smug, irritating face. 

Reconnect with your school bullies

The tough kids from the year above were prodigies when it came to problematic banter, as you well remember. Adding them as a friend on Facebook is an effective way to fill the MasterChef-shaped void of vulgar humour in your life. It’s unlikely morons like Stevo and Gary have moved on much, and it might even be quite amusing if you love jokes about being gay when you’re clearly not and what a slag your 82-year-old mum is. 

Hang out in a locker room

You’ll have to go to the effort of exercising and averting your gaze in a room full of dicks, but the rewards will be worth it. Locker rooms are Meccas of problematic banter, with men expressing the worst possible thoughts humans could have. Also they have a highly effective code of silence whereby none of the racist, homophobic or sexist jokes go beyond the locker room’s hallowed walls. Which is hypocritical and pathetic, but better than doing on it national TV.

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'Karma Police might get me laid': Inside the mind of a twat with an acoustic guitar

THE kiss of death for any social gathering is some dick getting out an acoustic guitar. Here are the thought processes going on in his – and it is always ‘his’ – head.

‘This is better than people talking to each other’

Yes, it’s great that conversations and flirtations have been killed stone dead by this twat getting out his guitar and becoming the focal point of the room. You may as well be at home with Spotify, which would actually be better because Charli XCX doesn’t sit in your living room being a pain in the arse if you listen to Brat.

‘Karma Police might get me laid’

Every guitar twat hopes his music will lead to sex. Look how excited he is about that attractive blonde woman politely paying attention to his tedious strumming. Unfortunately it means he’ll be choosing tunes that make him look deep and sensitive, so expect Radiohead, Nick Drake and the like. You’re really not into listening to Fast Car by Tracy Chapman at a party just so he can dip his wick.

‘I do not find this unpleasantly intense’ 

Someone playing music just feet away from you is uncomfortably intimate. They’re giving to you artistically and emotionally, and you are responding by looking interested. It’s like sex, if shagging wasn’t pleasant and everyone you’d ever bedded was a pretentious dick.

‘Time to disconcertingly start singing!’

Most acoustic guitar bores fancy themselves as singers, so you’ll be getting vocals. Chances are he’ll be quite a proficient singer, but the Gestapo were quite proficient torturers, so that’s no guarantee of enjoying something. When he starts wailing it’s possible others will join in, making you want to shout: ‘FOR CHRIST’S SAKE DON’T ENCOURAGE HIM!’ But then they might think you’re an uncreative grump who doesn’t like music. Or worse still – you’re jealous.

‘They definitely want to hear my own music’

Are his own tunes likely to be better than those of the music legends like Led Zeppelin he’s just been playing? Obviously ‘yes’, and now he’s launching into some terrible song he’s written called Ashes of My Heart, apparently. Did he really just sing ‘Love made me fly/ Like an eagle so high/ But now it cuts like a knife’? The cringing sensation spreading across your body suggests he did.

‘Everyone loved it’

The self-delusion is strong in this one, and he’ll assume the awkward silence when he finally stops playing is everyone processing the powerful emotions his music has stirred. Thankfully, no ladies appear to want to be his groupies, and it’s probably wise to avoid a relationship with someone who could start strumming Yellow at any second. It would be like being kept as Coldplay’s sex slave, and no one wants that.

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