FANCY a go at polyamory? You keep reading about it and you can easily get a third person on the internet these days. Here are the five stages of having a fashionable modern sexual relationship.
Proposing it: This might seem daunting, but everyone’s doing polyamory these days so why not you? You decide to ask your wife for an open relationship no longer bound by the strictures of monogamy and bourgeois convention. And if she wants to explore lesbianism, that would be handy now you can’t go on Pornhub.
Refusal: You suspect the colander hurled across the kitchen means no. Clearly she knows she’d not get any attention whereas you would clean up. She’s just trying to hold you back. It’s the only possible explanation for a woman not relishing her husband shagging other women.
Surrender: After you engage in enough manly, assertive sulking, with sly hints that you might be forced to cheat, your wife realises you are right. Now you’ll barely have time for work, shopping or sleep due to the flood of offers from gorgeous 25-year-olds desperate to shag a 49-year-old married accountant.
Problems with the app: There must be a technical problem with the dating app because you’re not getting any matches while your wife has started going out with a different guy every night. Who could’ve guessed that a married man looking for no-strings fun wouldn’t get any attention while a woman offering the same gets loads of offers? You didn’t see this coming. And nobody’s seeing you coming, sadly.
Depression: Clearly polyamory is a fundamentally flawed arrangement and just an excuse for your wife to be off enjoying herself with other men. Whose idea was this? You wish you’d never agreed to it. If only there was some way of having a sexual relationship that gave you a reassuring sense of security and didn’t involve loads of people.
