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We ask you: how would you fill a £41 billion spending gap?

RACHEL Reeves needs to find £41 billion if she’s to meet her self-imposed borrowing rules, according to a think tank. How would you rustle up the necessary funds?

Tom Logan, actuary: “Bear with me here, because this will sound mental. But we could, theoretically, tax the rich. Sorry, you’re probably after ideas that will actually happen.”

Mary Fisher, key cutter: “Hold everyone who’s verified their identity to look at online porn to ransom. Asking them for 50 quid each should do it.”

Julian Cook, living statue: “Auction off Prince Edward. Nobody would miss him.”

Kelly Howard, listicle compiler: “Assign all of the nation’s debt to one person chosen at random and then kill them. Problem solved.”

James Bates, traffic warden: “Insist that working families only eat meals that cost a hundredth of a penny.”

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Man with camera and mic off in Zoom call projecting air of alluring mystery

A MAN has cultivated an enigmatic cult of personality by dialling into a Zoom call with his mic and camera off, it has emerged.

Sales manager Martin Bishop sent his co-workers into a frenzy of gossip and erotic longing after attending a weekly catch-up meeting without sharing his face and remaining shrouded in digital silence.

Colleague Joanna Kramer said: “It’s like having James Bond or Carlos Santana on the call. Even though they’d never be the sorts to give a f**k about Q2 revenue updates.

“Who are they? What do they look like? Are they single? I might have to turn my own mic and camera off as my mind runs rampant with sexual speculation.

“Perhaps he’s a brooding Heathcliff type, or maybe he’s a Banksy-esque figure whose cachet thrives on anonymity. Either way, it’s working. Nobody better tell him he’s on mute and shatter the steamy illusion.

“Even when he was asked to share his feedback he remained stubbornly silent, like a sexy dissident intellectual in 60s Prague. I’m ready to shitcan my husband and kids over him.”

Bishop said: “My laptop’s knackered. So I just sat in my pants eating Doritos and watching videos of dogs riding skateboards on my phone.”

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