POPE Leo has admitted to friends that his cancer diagnosis has been a wake-up call and a warning that he cannot live life in the fast lane forever.
The nodule found in the pontiff’s lung has been variously ascribed to his high-tar cigarette habit, roaring around St Peter’s Square on a Harley to impress girls and decades of knocking back three bottles of altar wine a night.
A Vatican spokesperson said: “His Holiness had always assumed that God had him covered. But clearly he’s been on one incense-fuelled bender too many.
“No amount of dreary sermons or road trips in his weird little car could offset the epic run he’s been on. You haven’t lived until he’s dragged you into some underground Catholic nightclub to snort lines of the sacrament off a nun.
“But as he was saying in conversation with close friends Keith Richards and Johnny Depp yesterday, pray all you like but the body keeps the score. He’s getting old. No matter how much holy water he necks at night he’s hungover until 3pm.
“No more lads’ trips to Our Lady of Lourdes, no more improvising a zipline through the Sistine Chapel, no more four-hour confession sessions detailing truly legendary depravity. From now on he’s limiting big nights to the weekends.”
God said: “I hate to do this, but it’s time for the Pope to bring the party upstairs. We’ve got Ozzy and Keith Moon but without the L-dog it’s a bit of a snooze fest.”
