Princes' Charity Work To Distract You From All The Dicking About

PRINCES William and Harry are to give a higher profile to their charity work as they continue to have a thoroughly splendid time with lots of your money.

The princes have launched a PR blitz to highlight the amount of time they are now able to devote to caring about a carefully selected list of terribly sad things.

Officials say Prince William's work with homeless people in London is becoming increasingly important as it gives him something to point to the next time he uses an RAF helicopter to play mid-air polo with a giant balloon.

Prince Harry, meanwhile, is to link the amount of time he spends having his photograph taken with poor people to the amount of time he spends having his photograph taken outside Fulham Road nightclubs with his entourage of hilarious schoolchums.

A Clarence House spokesman said: "The next time you see a shit-faced Prince Harry being poured into the back of an armoured Range Rover it'll be because he's so tired after all the caring and helping.

"And Prince William and Kate Middleton's next holiday in Mustique will include a 20 minute discussion about how her parent's party hat business can be used to fight AIDS, before they get back to some serious snorkelling."

He added: "Homeless people and poverty stricken Africans lead terribly drab, boring lives. This is why it is vital the Princes go skiing eight times a year so they can come back and cheer them up with amazing stories of the international jet-set.

"You should see the look of wonder on their little faces as their Royal Highnesses describe the champagne fountains, the paddling pools filled with caviar and the long line of surgically-enhanced Eurotrash skanks who are just desperate to ride them all night long."

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James May To Be Demolished

TOP Gear presenter James May is facing demolition after it emerged his parents did not apply for permission to build a twat.

Strict planning regulations govern the erection of public twats and investigators claim Mr and Mrs May neglected to complete form 233a: Application For A New Twat Or Extension of an Existing Twat, before combining the genetic building blocks which would become the gangly boy-man.

Planning officer, Stephen Malley, said: "Unless Legoland are willing to place him on permanent display we will have to start dismantling Mr May with a chainsaw."

He added: "We've recently inspected all of the Top Gear team under our remit to ensure that each of Britain's high-profile public twats have the corresponding paperwork.

"Jeremy Clarkson is a Grade II listed fucknugget, which is why his hair looks the way it does, while Richard Hammond is exempt from planning regulations because he is less than three feet high and will not overlook neighbouring gardens."

A BBC spokesman said the corporation regretted May's demolition but stressed it would make a fantastic segment for the next series of the popular children's car programme.

He added: "We could fire some caravans at him, or maybe just dress him up as a gay prostitute and leave him out for some rednecks."

May's neighbour, Roy Hobbs, said: "It's sad in a way, because he was a nice enough bloke. But building a scale model of Trowbridge out of fruit pastilles doesn't make you look cool. It makes you look like a kiddie fiddler who's trying too hard."