Queen paid less than Prince Philip

THE Queen earns 40 per cent less than Prince Philip despite being the British monarchy’s major draw, it has emerged. 

A Palace insider said: “Not only did she start on less than a quarter of George VI’s money, she didn’t even get a cut of the TV royalties for the coronation despite the ratings. 

“Philip apparently negotiated a better fee than her when he joined in the 40s and had a legacy clause that meant he was always paid more, though he told her their salaries were equal. 

“Even Andrew got more than her in the 80s when he was big in the tabloids, and he’s privately admitted he only married Fergie because the US networks made them a seven-figure offer, of which he got 75 per cent. 

“It’s an outrage that even though she’s in her 90s she has to keep working because she hasn’t been able to make enough to retire, while Philip’s at home watching the racing without a care in the world.”

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Economy doing brilliantly if you compare it to 28 Days Later, says Hammond

BRITAIN’S economy is thriving in comparison to the virus-ravaged world depicted in the film 28 Days Later, Philip Hammond has announced.

Despite UK growth lagging behind all major economies, the chancellor focused on positive news such as cities not being eerily deserted and no one being eaten by zombies.

In his spring statement, Hammond said: “Society hasn’t broken down completely with dead bodies everywhere, which shows austerity has been a success.

“Compared to 28 Days Later the economy is booming. Hospitals are still open, the electricity’s still on and there’s no widespread looting. What more do people want?

“Above all we haven’t infected the population with a deadly monkey virus that makes them go into a murderous psychotic rage. I think that’s my greatest achievement as chancellor.

“People really need to buck up and say, ‘At least no one’s ripped out my intestines today.’

“Obviously things will get a lot worse after Brexit but you still won’t have to board up your windows to keep out ‘the infected’, so people should keep voting Conservative.”

Hammond then made an incredibly lame joke calling the Labour party “the only zombies around here”, at which Tory MPs appeared to wet themselves.