Cats confirm all fights to take place between 2am and 5am 

CATS have confirmed all their loud annoying fights will take place in the early hours of the morning. 

Cat Martin Bishop said: “The best bit of having a ‘set to’ is when a human leans out a window and tells you to ‘shut the fuck up.’ It’s hilarious and can be a welcome tension breaker.

“There was talk of a ten til midnight scrapping window but the aim is to wake as many people as possible. It’s also occult lore that 3am is the Devil’s hour which provides the perfect atmosphere for a proper blood curdling ding-dong.

“The daytime is for personal grooming, you need good lighting when you’re trying to pull ticks out of thick fur.”

Bishop added: “We’ll reconsider scheduling when you stop attaching bells to our collars. I move even slightly I tinkle, it’s really undermining my dignity and mental health.”

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Sober horses ruin massive piss-up

REVELLERS at the Cheltenham Festival have complained that horses are getting in the way of their drinking.

Men in salmon-coloured shirts have reported that their enjoyment of beer and spirits was jeopardised by large animals with people on their backs.

Punter Tom Logan said: “The horses make it harder to get to the bar. I tried stumbling across the track earlier to visit the Guinness truck and nearly got trampled.

“We come to Cheltenham for the atmosphere. And by atmosphere we of course mean alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol.

“Unless they can find a way to incorporate drinking into the races themselves they will always be an inconvenience.”

However, jockeys have defended the decision in the mid-1990s to add a horse racing element to the Cheltenham Festival.

Jockey Wayne Hayes said: “Fortunately we’re all wasted too. As if anybody would do this sober.”