Queen To Have Lunch With Insane Criminal

THE Queen will today have soup and sandwiches at her Edinburgh home with an insane German criminal she met off a plane.

Joseph Ratzinger, originally from Munich but now living in Italy, wrote to the Queen last year asking if he could pop in on his way to meeting Susan Boyle in the middle of a park in Glasgow.

Her Majesty agreed to his request despite concerns over his involvement in covering up paedophilia and his quirky belief that being gay is worse than raping a child.

Experts have also stressed that Mr Ratzinger’s claim that everything he says is infallible means that instead of swapping gently amusing anecdotes with the Queen and being driven about in a bullet-proof ice cream van, he should really be in a secure, windowless room and injected every half hour with a thunderous dose of temazepam.

Criminal psychologist, Dr Julian Cook, said: “Britain’s mental hospitals are full of people like this. Old, confused, fascist perverts who think Jesus has set up camp in their sock drawer.

“If we have any compassion we will try to trap Mr Ratzinger using a large net, or perhaps a hole covered in twigs and leaves, and then give him the 24-hour care he so desperately needs.”

Tom Logan, visiting professor of visits at Reading University, said: “The Queen has met some splendidly nasty fruitcakes in recent years. I’m thinking particularly of that rotund Saudi gentleman who thinks women are pack animals and that you should chop someone’s hands off if they steal a packet of Toffos.

“But at least that was underpinned by a lovely big arms deal. If only Mr Ratzinger would order a couple of dozen Eurofighters and a class 2 destroyer we could coat this whole mucky business with a nice, hard-headed rationale.”

But Mr Ratzinger’s arrival was overshadowed last night after one of his best friends described Britain as both a ‘third world country’ and a society with a frighteningly high number of people who can read and think.

Logan added: “When I heard the phrase ‘third world’, I didn’t think he was being racist or particularly offensive, I just assumed he must have driven on a British motorway.

“So yes, in that sense Britain is like a third world country, the key difference being that thousands of people aren’t dying of AIDS every day because some mad old fucker in a pointy hat told them that johnny bags are made by Lucifer.”


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Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Extra flavour can be achieved by placing cloves, star anise and garlic under the skin. If they’re circumcised, just swab it with Marmite.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you’ll impress the judges with a spirited foxtrot and an inventive reworking of the tango. You’re still going to jail for pissing on that horse, though.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Everybody remembers their first time and you’re whisked back to that magical night as you walk past a greengrocers displaying a melon with a hole in it.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
If your time at university taught you just one thing, you were probably just as fucking thick as the rest of the arseholes on your course.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. Remember that and you’ll make a brilliant lollipop lady.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This thing called love, I just can’t handle it. This thing called love, I must get round to it. But in the meantime there’s always prossies and wanking.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’re faced with a difficult decision this week as the alcohol has started producing crippling hangovers and sobriety results in vertiginous bouts of horrifying self-awareness. Have you considered glue?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’re very fond of shouting at your browbeaten work peons that failure is not an option, but try telling that to your fuzzy, swollen heart, cholesterol-boy.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You find it easy to remember the fate of Henry VIII’s wives as you also went through two divorces and a pair of beheadings until you found the girl of your dreams.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Many academics have argued that football is a codified expression of unvoiced communal emotions and if that means ‘punching darkies’ then you couldn’t agree more.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your application to be on Come Dine With Me is rejected after you ask what kind of glass one should serve surgical alcohol in.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week, why not underline your liberal credentials by selling $60bn of terrifying weaponry to a country full of homosexual-executing lunatics?