Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
For the past year, I’ve been having an affair with the milkman, the postman, the man who reads the gas meter, the paper boy, the guy who fixed our downstairs toilet, the Avon lady and next door’s golden retriever. At first these liaisons seemed like a bit of harmless fun to pass the time while my husband is off playing golf or fiddling with his secretary, but now it’s starting to become a bit of a hassle. I don’t seem to get any ‘me’ time these days. Is there anything you can suggest to help me manage my time better and focus on more important matters, such as watching the entire final season of Lost?
Veronica,
Beaulieu

Dear Veronica,
It sounds to me like you’ve got far too much going on and you need to stop being friends with some of these people before it all becomes too much and you go mental like Mrs Peacock. Mrs Peacock was a teacher at my school who was always far too busy teaching history, geography and religious education, plus organising school fetes and coaching the netball team and constantly punishing small children for playground misdemeanours. She always had a manic look in her eye and it was clear it wouldn’t take much to push her over the edge. Which is why we weren’t surprised when someone (Oliver French) drew an interpretation of Mrs Peacock naked on the blackboard for the fifteenth day in a row and she went crazy and took Lucy Morris hostage in the PE cupboard for three hours. Lots of scary police officers surrounded the school and eventually Mrs Peacock was wrestled to the ground and disarmed of her stapler and HB pencil. We never saw Mrs Peacock again and it was all a bit weird for a while and they put security cameras in each classroom and replaced all the knives in the canteen with plastic spoons, but things are very much back to normal now. So if I were you I’d avoid doing a Mrs Peacock and restrict yourself to the postman and the dog.
Hope that helps!
Holly

 

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Primark To Charge Customers Just To Chuck Stuff On The Floor

CHEAP clothes giant Primark is to stop selling clothes and instead simply charge the public to come and mess up its shops.

As rocketing cotton prices threaten to end the phenomenon of skirts costing less than a handful of Blackjacks, the retail chain will refocus its business model around what it describes as the ‘therapeutic demolition’ of its rails.

A spokesman said: “The Primark experience has always been primarily about chucking things on the floor, or throwing them on top of other things in a crumpled heap.

“For a reasonable hourly rate customers, 99.73% female, will be able to run around the shop going fucking mental, hurling budget tops around in a dervish-like fashion.

“For a small surcharge they can tear items apart with their teeth, shoot them with rifles or even set fire to certain designated areas of the shop.

“It’s the future of retail, happening right now.”

Primark customer Emma Bradford said: “To me it’s the closest thing to being back in my teenage bedroom. Sure I like the cheap stuff but really it’s more about creating a chaotic dump safe in the knowledge that no-one cares enough to fuck with me.

“Possibly it’s an anti-authority thing, or a holdover from some sort of prehistoric ritual. It’s certainly the nearest I get to being a maverick crazy bitch since I became a housewife.”

She added: “Either way, a big Primark at 5.30pm on a Saturday is the closest you’ll get to a physical manifestation of the mind of a pre-menstrual woman.”