EDUCATION experts will be employed in schools to establish who the stupidest bastards in the building are.
The move came after a survey found that 25% of UK pupils have been incorrectly diagnosed as having special needs by teachers who do not think it is important that they know how to spell either ‘special’ or ‘needs’.
Meanwhile thousands of parents complained their children had come home with the word ‘mong’ scrawled crudely on their face in biro by struggling staff.
Senior Ofsted inspector, Martin Bishop, said: “A simple test is passing an electrical current through a pack of Smarties. If the teacher keeps grabbing for it long after the kid has stopped, we know we’ve got a problem.”
Extra training has been arranged to help teachers establish what constitutes ‘special educational needs’ after reasons for referral included ‘smelling a bit like Marmite’, ‘can’t pronounce “spaghetti” properly’, and ‘Welsh’.
Headmasters will also be advised that not getting more than eight A* GCSEs is not in itself an indicator of having a learning difficulty.
Roy Hobbs, head of St Garth’s in Peterborough, said: “According to research asking questions about special needs is often the first sign of having special needs.”
He added: “Fuck you, that’s what research.”
Bishop explained: “If kids are labelled special needs by idiot teachers and get a terrible education, they grow up to be the kind of ill-informed adult that’s only capable of holding down a mediocre job as an idiot teacher.â€
“We call it the ‘Circle of Cretin’.”