Experts To Decide If Pupils Or Teachers Are Morons

EDUCATION experts will be employed in schools to establish who the stupidest bastards in the building are.

The move came after a survey found that 25% of UK pupils have been incorrectly diagnosed as having special needs by teachers who do not think it is important that they know how to spell either ‘special’ or ‘needs’.

Meanwhile thousands of parents complained their children had come home with the word ‘mong’ scrawled crudely on their face in biro by struggling staff.

Senior Ofsted inspector, Martin Bishop, said: “A simple test is passing an electrical current through a pack of Smarties. If the teacher keeps grabbing for it long after the kid has stopped, we know we’ve got a problem.”

Extra training has been arranged to help teachers establish what constitutes ‘special educational needs’ after reasons for referral included ‘smelling a bit like Marmite’, ‘can’t pronounce “spaghetti” properly’, and ‘Welsh’.

Headmasters will also be advised that not getting more than eight A* GCSEs is not in itself an indicator of having a learning difficulty.

Roy Hobbs, head of St Garth’s in Peterborough, said: “According to research asking questions about special needs is often the first sign of having special needs.”

He added: “Fuck you, that’s what research.”

Bishop explained: “If kids are labelled special needs by idiot teachers and get a terrible education, they grow up to be the kind of ill-informed adult that’s only capable of holding down a mediocre job as an idiot teacher.â€

“We call it the ‘Circle of Cretin’.”


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If Ice Cream Adverts Can't Offend Catholics Then What Are They For? Asks Britain

THE future of British ice cream adverts was thrown into doubt last night as the industry watchdog ruled they can no longer offend Roman Catholics.

For years Catholics have recoiled in horror as a series of sexually attractive young women have sucked, licked and ravenously bitten into an ice cream product which was not their husband.

Now the Advertising Standards Authority has drawn the line after the latest advert showed a model dressed as a nun who had been impregnated by either God or a tub of chocolate ice cream.

But as the ASA claimed the advert was a ‘distortion and mockery of the beliefs of Roman Catholics’ experts across Britain said ‘so fucking what?’.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “I wouldn’t have minded if they’d banned it for claiming God can get you up the duff. If only the ASA had made a strong, unambiguous statement that all pregnant nuns have been fucked.

“And is the ASA saying immaculate conception might be real? Because if it is, then I don’t think it should be in charge of judging adverts.”

Monsignor Stephen Malley, head of the church’s ice cream advertising
committee, welcomed the ban, adding: “All ice cream adverts should
feature young children sucking and licking their yummy treat in a
variety of seemingly innocent positions.”

Meanwhile consumers have been suggesting the ice cream adverts they would like to see when the Pope arrives in Britain later this week.

Julian Cook, from Durham, said: “What about a topless nun about to bite into an ice cream Jesus that’s nailed to a pair of Flakes with the slogan ‘forgive me Lord, but I know exactly what I’m doing’.”

Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, added: “They should have a happy, teenage African girl holding a strawberry cone with the slogan ‘It’s so good I almost forgot I have AIDS from not using a condom’.”

And Helen Archer, from Stevenage, said: “I think they should have a sexy woman dressed as the Virgin Mary fellating a large, ice cream penis, and at the bottom it just says ‘lick it’.

“Or what about a priest having sex with a tub of vanilla choc chip with the slogan ‘feels even better on your cock than a 10 year-old boy’.”