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Seven rules of the box office Tom Cruise must never break or disaster will follow

EVER-RELIABLE box office draw Tom Cruise has made a frighteningly expensive flop with recent film Digger because he broke his own Tom Cruise rules:

Don’t get clever 

The most complex storytelling we want from a Tom Cruise movie is the bit where he explains how to break into the thing to get the other thing. Digger features genre shifts and a metanarrative. If his audience wanted their brains to hurt, they’d read a book.

Stick to sci-fi, action or sci-fi action

Do we want to see Tom as an amoral hitman? F**king around in a mask at sex parties? No. He should be punching criminals, killing aliens or operating a cool computer with holograms instead of keys. Ignore that if your PC worked like that you’d be knackered after every Facebook post.

Tom must win 

Tom always wins, and in a way that makes the audience happy. Valkyrie wasn’t brilliantly received because those watching it wanted von Stauffenberg to succeed in killing Hitler and win the heart of Eva Braun. They could change the history books if it needs to be a true story,

He should not have a personal life

Tom messed up with his bizarre Oprah couch jump, making it tough not to be distracted in dull moments by stray thoughts like: ‘I wonder what Nicole Kidman really knows about Xenu?’ To prevent further damage to the Tom we know and love he should put in an induced coma between films.

Running must feature

It’s become a joke, but we still want to see Tom running as fast as his little legs will carry him. We don’t pay £10 for the reliable Cruise brand and come away from the cinema feeling disappointed and cheated. We’ve got Ridley Scott movies for that.

He should learn his limits

Tom’s two acting skills are a winning smile and a surprised face with his mouth open, and that’s fine. You don’t need to be Christopher Walken to twat an alien with a pneumatic fist. When he overreaches it turns out badly. It’s impossible to watch Far and Away without coming out hating the Irish for what he did to their accents.

Tom must be the good guy

Tom has played a handful of bad guys, including a vampire, an assassin and a Hollywood producer, and his character in Digger is not a traditional Cruise hero. Audiences hate this. Tom must to stick to playing good guys who are unquestionably on the right side, such as members of the US military.

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We tried spending absolutely shitloads for a year, and we've never been happier

By Joseph and Kate Turner of Nottingham

AS a couple, we wondered if there could be something more to our hollow lives. So we tried buying everything we wanted all the time, and it’s been brilliant. 

We were inspired by a friend of ours, who spent a full year without spending anything and was always boasting of how blissful it was while reeking of cheap Jojoba shampoo from the cash-and-carry. What if she’s wrong? we thought.

So, on October 12th last year, we began our bold experiment. We vowed we would buy whatever we wanted, no matter how impulsive or wasteful. We would give in to any consumerist impulse. And 12 months later our house is just teeming with stuff.

Designer clothes, pizza ovens, gaming laptops – we bought it all. We bought furniture we don’t have room for. I paid £2,500 for a ride-on mower even though we only have a small back garden and it’s paved. But you know what? It makes me happy to see it sit there gleaming.

Nights out? We’ve seen opera at Covent Garden, shows in the West End, Bruno Mars at Wembley Stadium and a man swallowing eels for money in the back room of a Dagenham pub. And every single one of them was better than a night in playing Uno.

We can barely get around our own home, so full is it of Linn hi-fi equipment, Stöckli skis, Scubapro oxygen tanks and discarded Louboutins. And it feels bloody great. So what if we never use it? It’s still ours and you’re jealous.

How did we afford it? Well, I had a small bequest from an aunt, we refinanced the house and we sold anything that bored us. You’ll be amazed how much you can get for an in-box Omega Speedmaster Moonwatch Professional you didn’t like the colour of.

So if you’ve ever wondered ‘Am I spending enough? Do I really want all these things? Is it just marketing?’ the answers are no, yes, and no respectively.

Now if you’ll forgive me, I’ve got a £2,500 Givenchy mohair blazer to try on, say ‘nah’ and discard carelessly onto an Eames chair. What heaven it is to be alive.

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