TAYLOR Swift has been arrested by Roman soldiers after one of her 59.2 million Twitter followers betrayed her location.
Swift, who was praying in a garden after the defeat of Apple, was taken into custody by legionaries after the authorities became afraid of her growing influence.
A witness said: “Taylor and her teachings of inoffensive feminism, fairer streaming royalties and shaking off haters have proven alarmingly popular.
“Since she first strode from the forgotten wastelands of country music, with claims to miracles including identifying trouble by gait alone and healing bullet wounds with Band-Aids, the men in power decided something must be done.
“We were tipped off to where she was by @FOLLOW+ME+TAYLOR, previously known as @MARRY*ME*HARRY.”
Swift will face trial by the prefecture and the Council of Country Elders, represented by Whispering Bob Harris, before being sentenced to crucifixion in front of a crowd of 65,000 in London’s Hyde Park.
Immediately following the event, Ed Sheeran will deny knowing her three times before the cock crows.