ENGLAND has now spent so much money on Scotland that it is expecting some 'fairly spectacular sex', it was claimed last night.
Despite recent gifts including free school meals and free prescriptions, Scotland has failed to express her gratitude in a physical way.
England said last night: "My friends were always telling me that Scotland was a really beautiful country and that I was lucky just to be able to sit next to her.
"I didn't mind the little things like her own football team, her own BBC or even the odd parliament here and there. But now it's starting to cost me serious wedge and, at the end of the day, I've got needs.
"Just last week she was saying she doesn't want Trident. We'll she's getting Trident – she's getting lots of Trident or she can fuck right off."
England said the relationship had been difficult for about 800 years but there was always the expectation of a 'big sexual payday'.
"A couple of years ago I turned up with an engraved, 18-carat free personal care for the elderly. It was a lovely thing and I reckoned I might at least get some tongue and a quick rub in the groinal regions.
"Instead she stood there like I owed it to her and asked for a 75% increase in health and education spending. It's not like she's got a fucking job."
England added: "Now that I've coughed up for the school meals and the prescriptions I think it's only reasonable to expect a commitment to some fairly serious below-the-belt time. And maybe even the Big Slipper."