Bunch of flooding experts acting like smart arses

A BUNCH of ‘flooding experts’ have come up with a lot of fancy solutions three weeks too late.

The ‘experts’ published a so-called ‘open letter’, which is basically an excuse for people who think they are better than you to rub your nose in it.

The pathetic show-offs said they knew all about flooding and that if we did not want any more of it we should do exactly what they say, no matter what.

Martin Bishop, from Somerset, said: “So what you’re saying is that we should make all the water go somewhere else. I see.

“Thank fuck you wrote it down because you don’t want to forget a brilliant idea like that.”

He added: “Do you think maybe we could pump all the shit out of my kitchen before you start lording it over me like a bunch of smart-arse twats?”

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Praise for casserole enters third exhausting day

A CARLISLE woman has reiterated how lovely her boyfriend’s beef stew was for the third day running.

Nikki Hollis’s partner Wayne Hayes has been asking whether she really liked it every 50 minutes since he made dinner for a change.

Hollis said: “I keep sneaking off to the toilet to look up synonyms for ‘delicious’ on an online thesaurus.

“Last night I had to resort to saying it was ‘surpassingly toothsome’, like I’m in a Jane Austen novel.

“I wouldn’t mind but it was a packet sauce, some stewing steak that was on the turn and a splash of red wine he used as an excuse to drink the rest of the bottle.”

Hayes has also sought the approval of colleagues by taking tubs of brown matter to work and loudly commenting how much better it is than the crud they serve in the canteen.

His ‘recipe’ is to be pinned on the freezer at home, which is now full of meals prepared by Hollis to ensure this situation never arises again.

Hollis said: “It had been six months since we’d managed to put the whole business of him changing the duvet cover without being asked behind us, and now this.

Wayne Hayes said: “On a day-to-day basis I’m not that co-operative. I just do a few select things in a really intense, genius way, then lie down to recuperate for quite a long time.”