AFFLUENT professionals could be forced to use town centre fried chicken outlets as over-population makes Waitrose-style food increasingly scarce.
Experts claim the ambiguous meats provided by takeaways with the words ‘mega’ or ‘chick’ in their name will be the UK’s only source of protein by 2019.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Organic meat and pleasantly-packaged artisan cheese will become increasingly difficult to produce as more land is used for cretins.
“This means chicken outlets, whose meat-equivalent matter is produced using methods far, far removed from nature, will be the nation’s only dinner time option. Even Kevin McCloud and bead-wearing women will have to feed their families from a bucket topped up with beans.
“And not even Heinz beans. Cheap ones that come in a massive white tin with the Russian word for ‘beans’ stamped on it.”
The precise origin of mega-tasteybite chicken substance remains a closely-guarded secret, though Professor Brubaker believes there is a warehouse near Wolverhampton containing a single giant blob of matter, summoned to this dimension by witches.
He added: “It tastes a bit like chicken but also defecates chips and cries a coleslaw-like matter from its single unblinking eye.”
Professor Brubaker also stressed that while synthesised meat produced in vats would be welcomed by vegetarians who do not want to eat something that is dead, it may be shunned by others who do not want to eat something that has never been alive.
Occupational therapist Emma Bradford said: “If it comes down to it we’d invite some friends over for dinner, drug them and hold them hostage in the cellar, gradually eating bits of their limbs like in The Road.
“I’m sorry, but I just can’t eat meat unless I know where it comes from.”