Motorists To Remove Wing Mirrors As Government Abandons Road Widening Plan

MOTORISTS will be told to make their cars thinner as the government tries to squeeze as many lanes as possible into Britain's motorway network.

The department of transport said the average family car can lose around 12 inches in width if you go at it with a hacksaw.

A spokesman added: "Wing mirror-ectomies will help, but we still think the best solution is a new generation of cars that have telescopic legs with wheels on the end allowing you to simply lift yourself above the traffic jams.

"Meanwhile we're also investing £2bn in state of the art car squeezing machines which will allow us to create an extra four lanes each way on the M25 and reduce journey times by about eight seconds."

Experts say that minimising the space between cars will not only improve traffic flow but also make it much easier for people in different vehicles to punch each other in the face.

An AA spokesman said: "In most cases you will have to ask your passenger to do the punching, unless you're up against a foreign car with the steering wheel on the left thereby enabling you to rain down blow after blow on some unsuspecting Frenchman without even having to stretch.

"Otherwise, you will have to use a pool cue or a sword if you want to inflict significant injury."

Driver Tom Logan, from Nantwich, added: "I suppose I could always get one of those three-wheeled covered motorbike things you see on Top Gear that are supposed to be the solution to all our transport problems but then never get made because they look so fucking stupid."

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Only Twelve More Bank Bail-Outs To Go, Promises Darling

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling has promised to limit the number of bank bail-outs to 10 or 12 at the most.

Announcing the second bail-out, Mr Darling said it would create the perfect conditions for the third, fourth and seventh bail-outs.

"The fifth will look very like the second and the fourth but with at least one extra zero. The sixth is very similar to the third but with a Wimbledon fortnight theme and the seventh – well that's just an absolute beauty."

Mr Darling revealed the seventh bail-out would be announced by Girls Aloud from the top of the London Eye and there would also be an eve of bail-out concert featuring Franz Ferdinand, Duffy and Gavin and Stacey actor James Corden.

As the British government became less credit-worthy than the fucked-up banks it's lending to, Mr Darling added: "If I can move some dates around we should be able to headline with Antony and the Johnsons."

The chancellor meanwhile rejected claims the government can only afford another eight bail-outs, insisting a round dozen was 'very achievable'.

He said: "What I can confirm is that if we get to 13 bail-outs we will all be living on makeshift coconut rafts while the Chinese and the Arabs wave back at us from the white cliffs of Dover.”

Tom Booker, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "I think it's important  the government commits itself to at least 10 more bail-outs, although I do have one question – where the fuck is all the money coming from?"