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Summer 2026 was sexiest on record, says Met Office

THE government’s weather service has confirmed that this summer was the raunchiest f**kfest in the nation’s history.

Thanks to multiple heatwaves making everyone strip down to shorts and bikinis, the Met Office believes the summer of 2026 was a steamy orgy unprecedented in this country.

Meteorologist Martin Bishop said: “Shagging was up by a concerning two point eight per cent, even surpassing the summer of 2004 when Eric Prydz dropped the Call On Me video.

“That may not sound like much, but it’s part of a trend. Ever since the Industrial Revolution the world has been getting hornier and hornier, and there are very real fears we’ll bang ourselves into oblivion by 2050.

“Tragically, the sexiness is irreversible. Banning Page Three and putting safeguards on online porn was too little too late. Future generations, should there be survivors of our erotic apocalypse, will wonder how we allowed this to happen.

“There’s no point trying to live sustainably by retiring to a monastery. The world’s f**ked, so you might as well do the same before the fiery inferno of lust consumes us all. I’m being blown as I tell you this.”

Activist Nikki Hollis said: “I threw soup over a Van Gogh to raise awareness about Euphoria season three, but somehow it achieved nothing.”

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Why predictions Brexit would damage the UK's economy were wrong even though they've happened

By Norman Steele, ordinary decent Briton and Brexiter, not that it’s relevant

BLAMING Brexit? How backward. We all know the predicted economic damage of Brexit was a lie, even though that has happened but by coincidence. 

So for Burnham to stand up in Parliament and say Brexit is the cause of any of Britain’s woes is not only a slap in the face for brave referendum voters but a wicked falsehood.

Yes, our economy is significantly worse today than it was a decade ago. Yes, Remainers said it would be. But correlation is not causation and the two phenomena are not related in any way.

Ignore those businessmen saying trade with the EU has dwindled to nothing. Why are they so prejudiced they’d rather sell to Europeans anyway, instead of their fellow Brits?

And disregard those carpers who complain the lack of foreign labour means building home extensions is now impossible. They’re just jealous of homegrown builders who now live like kings, free to dump two pallets of bricks in your drive then go on a month’s holiday.

Yes, we have £29bn less in investment than expected. Of course the pound fell in 2016 and has remained weak. Obviously we’re missing out on all the EU’s cheap import deals. And it goes without saying that our growth is utter shit.

But just because the economy has shrunk exactly in line with expert predictions, now being between six and eight per cent smaller and all of us consequently poorer, doesn’t mean they were right.

They were lucky guesses, that’s all. And we can wipe the smiles of their smug faces by voting for the man who promised us Brexit would be brilliant and now never mentions it and has new promises. That’ll show the pricks.

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