WATER voles are no longer taking shit off predators, it has emerged.
The almost-extinct rodents have made a surprise return to Britain’s riverbanks and are now unafraid to verbally abuse larger animals.
Last week amazed onlookers at a riverbank near Stoke-on-Trent watched as a tiny, damp vole reared up on its hind legs and repeatedly told a heron to go and fuck itself.
Rambler Emma Bradford said: “Just as the heron was about to swoop, the vole folded its tiny claw into a fist and shook it while yelling ‘fuck off, fuck off, fuck off’ in a shrill voice.
“The large bird looked terrified and actually muttered an apology before flying off.”
Vole Tom Logan said: “Every single day I go out looking for twigs, bulbs and other organic matter to eat. Just minding my own business.
“And every time, something tries to eat me. Mink, ferrets, eagles, owls, foxes, cats…the list goes on and on.
“I’d had enough. It was time to stop running.
“Seriously, I don’t mess with them. Do I? Do I? No I don’t. So what was with this fucking bullshit, every single day of my life. I don’t even taste good.”
He added: “Don’t just accept that you’re lower down the food chain. Stand up to predators, most of them are cowards anyway.
“Don’t let them push you around just because of the massive size disparity and sharp teeth. Seriously, I am ready to punch a fox.
“By the way, I don’t normally swear. Sorry about that.”