A WOMAN reads out the predictions of her weather app like a shaman receiving messages from an ancient god, it has emerged.
29-year-old Emma Bradford has a fanatical level of belief in the free smartphone software, despite it only achieving the same level of accuracy as total guesswork.
She said: “The weather app has spoken, the heatwave is to end and the rains will come tomorrow.
“Oh no wait, it has changed. The rains will not come after all.
“Such is the way of the app. We must keep checking it every 15 minutes, this is how it tests the faithful.”
Bradford confirmed that despite not knowing whether the app has any meteorological credibility, she trusts it more than all of her combined senses.
“If the app says it is currently raining, it is raining, even if it is not raining.
“Who are my eyes to question the mighty weather app? I would rather pluck them out.”
She added: “My friends call me ‘Kaltiki, voice of the skies’ or ’she who speaks bollocks’.”