Woman treats weather app like some kind of tribal god that cannot be questioned

A WOMAN reads out the predictions of her weather app like a shaman receiving messages from an ancient god, it has emerged.

29-year-old Emma Bradford has a fanatical level of belief in the free smartphone software, despite it only achieving the same level of accuracy as total guesswork.

She said: “The weather app has spoken, the heatwave is to end and the rains will come tomorrow.

“Oh no wait, it has changed. The rains will not come after all.

“Such is the way of the app. We must keep checking it every 15 minutes, this is how it tests the faithful.”

Bradford confirmed that despite not knowing whether the app has any meteorological credibility, she trusts it more than all of her combined senses.

“If the app says it is currently raining, it is raining, even if it is not raining.

“Who are my eyes to question the mighty weather app? I would rather pluck them out.”

She added: “My friends call me ‘Kaltiki, voice of the skies’ or ’she who speaks bollocks’.”

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UK witchcraft up 700 per cent

WITCHCRAFT has increased by around 700 per cent across Britain in the last 12 months.

Officials said sorcery and the dark arts had taken hold in almost every community, from multi-million pound townhouses in Kensington to council flats in Manchester.

A government spokesman said: “It really is a sharp increase but no-one knows why. And it’s the particularly nasty stuff involving incantations, pentangles and an enormous amount of entrails.

“It’s quite terrifying really. Oh well.”

Anna Fisher, from Doncaster, said: “Yeah, we’ve noticed it round our way. Nobody goes to the pub anymore. They’re all at home doing stuff with entrails and then coming into work the next day and pointing at you with their long, boney fingers.”

Karen Phillips, a management accountant and utterly terrifying witch from Hatfield, said: “I started doing it last September. There’s a real sense of community. Although I would say it’s not for the squeamish.”

According to the Office of National Statistics, acts of witchcraft are highest in Swindon, Hartlepool and Peterborough because the local populations are intrinsically evil.