Six branded foods that are better than the cheap version whatever tight bastards say

SOME foods are worth the 15p price difference which separates the delicious from the inedible. Here are the ones whose cheapo version can never match up.


From the markup on Rice Krispies you’d be justified in thinking they’re made with powdered gold. However it’s still better to go without than sit at the breakfast table staring confusedly at the unidentifiable cartoon creature on the box of ‘rice-based puffs’. What’s it supposed to be? And why does it appear to be judging you for your decision to eat three bowls in succession?

Tins without ring-pulls 

Tins without easy-open lids lure you into thinking you’ve grabbed a bargain. That’s until you can’t find your tin opener, and once you do it’s so rusted and decrepit you’re forced to savage the can with a knife and try not to slash a tendon, all for the meagre reward of some sweaty peach slices. 

Salt and vinegar crisps 

Some claim that store brand crisps are made in the same factory as the real thing, but bear in mind Dow Chemicals made face creams and napalm. In own-brand crisps the salt and vinegar flavour frequently appears to have been replaced with hydrochloric acid flavour capable of burning a hole through the human tongue. It’s surprising they’re not sold in lead-lined packets. 


No matter how much you shake an off-brand bottle of what can only be termed ‘red sauce’, it remains in its separate states of thick pulp and translucent tomato piss which spurts out of the squeezy bottle like something from a porn video, drenching your cheese on toast and sometimes your lap. Don’t allow it to absorb topically or it might give you hives. 


Purveyors of knock-off Nutella appear to have missed the operative word ‘nut’ and have instead opted to serve up a bland paste which tastes as if it once made eye contact with some chocolate at a party 15 years ago.  Other versions go for full-on gritty,  because who doesn’t want to have the inside of their mouth thoroughly exfoliated during breakfast? 


No matter how exorbitant the sugar tax on it gets, it’s difficult to leave the security of branded Coca-Cola for the carbonated mire that is the ‘cola’ aisle. The only similarity between the two is that they’re brown, and the no-brand version has the unusual feature of tasting like it’s already been in someone else’s mouth. Maybe a coincidence, maybe part of the manufacturing process.

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The moron's guide to being constantly surprised by Antiques Roadshow

ANTIQUES Roadshow viewers appear to be thrilled by the same things happening every week. To get the most out of the show, these entirely predictable events should shock you to the core.

They weren’t expecting it to be worth that much!

Well done, you have correctly identified the main idea on which the programme is predicated. Now go and watch Call the Midwife and be blown away by the fact that it’s about midwives. Again!

Being old makes some things more valuable!

Amazing, isn’t it? Old things are usually worth less, like your brother-in-law Derek’s 1991 Peugeot 205. It was only worth 120 quid for scrap. Maybe it was something to do with the Peugeot not being a painting by Sir Edwin Landseer.

Imagine getting £15,000 for a table!

Yes, £15,000 is a decent sum of money. However Brian and Pauline from Chester aren’t exactly entering the superyachts-and-models world of a Saudi prince. That’s probably why Brian looks so miserable.

Fiona Bruce looks a lot older now.

Yes, she does look older than when she first started presenting TV programmes 32 years ago in 1992. Do you look at photos of yourself as a child and go: ‘MY GOD! I’VE TURNED INTO A GIANT!’

It’s modern but it’s an antique!

You’re absolutely right. That rare German glassware only dates back to the 1970s but it’s worth several thousand pounds. Maybe something can be valuable even if archaeologists didn’t find it in Julius Caesar’s house?

Look how big that stately home is! 

Yes. Do you know why? Because slavery was very profitable. You buy the slaves very cheap and sell them at a big profit because they won’t cost their new owner a penny in wages. Everyone’s a winner. Also, during the Industrial Revolution if one of your workers had an accident the only compensation they got was five minutes off to look for their severed finger.

Who’d want that in their house? 

It’s hard to deny those baroque nudes are somewhat more ‘chunky’ than, say, Margot Robbie. However that’s due to tastes changing over time. Rembrandt probably wouldn’t have wanted your Mr Bean bobblehead in his house either.

I might have something worth £20,000 in my loft!

You don’t. Unless a roll of old carpet and a broken Swingball set are worth 10 grand apiece.