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World's first heterosexual lolly launched

ICE lolly manufacturers have responded to demand for a product that in no way resembles a cock.

A new lolly, the Ice Block Max, has been developed to meet the needs of male heterosexuals who want to enjoy a lolly without feeling they are basically eating a penis.

The new product is a grey cube on a stick resembling a building material, which tastes of bloody steak for a ‘more manly flavour’ and features a picture of Jason Statham on the wrapper.

A spokesman for manufacturers Walls said: “This lolly is so red-bloodedly male it can practically do 200 pull-ups while grunting ‘Hurr!’

“The unique, perfectly cuboid shape means that it doesn’t have a shaft. Research shows that anything taller than it is wide basically looks like an erection when being sucked.

“Of course we will continue to make the classic phallic lollies – Twister, Calippo, Mini Milk – but sales are likely to fall now men don’t need to look as if they’re well-practised at sucking cock.

“Usually when manufacturers try to make a hyper-masculine product it somehow ends up seeming super-gay. That’s why we’re thrilled to have Jason Statham promoting it.

“He’s straightness personified, especially the way he wrestles that other guy in The Transporter in a big pool of oil, with his shirt off.”

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Six withering criticisms your girlfriend's mates have ready for when you're dumped

BOYFRIENDS may think they’ve won the approval of a girlfriend’s close friends. But don’t feel too pleased – if you split up it may turn out you were a monster all along. 

There was always something shifty about you

It was hard to define, but there was something about you your girlfriend’s mates didn’t trust. Sometimes you seemed reluctant to answer their deeply personal questions. Often you seemed too nice, not dissimilar to a charming serial killer in a TV show. Them not being able to quite put their finger on it just makes you all the more creepy.

Your never did the things you were unaware you had to do

You never were very good at buying her things she’d looked at but not actually said she wanted, were you? And why didn’t you whisk her away to the Maldives as a surprise? Instead of only suggesting it in advance to be sure she could get time off work and taking her then, you unspontaneous bastard?

You had wandering eyes

Fidelity is vitally important to a girlfriend’s mates, and if one of them wore a low-cut top you should have switched off your hardwired instincts and averted your eyes. However obviously looking above her head was obviously just an attempt to hide your sexual attraction too, so you may as well have done her doggy-style in the car park when your girlfriend was in the loo. You’re no different to the rest of them.

You still had feelings for your ex

Your girlfriend’s mates have subtly interrogated you about your last girlfriend with the thoroughness of the CIA. And it turned out you both occasionally meet in the company of mutual friends. Her previous ex did something similar. Why are men never over their exes, the wankers? 

You had terrible social habits

You might not have known, but you were a nightmare to be with socially. Always talking while eating when they asked you an insistent question. Some of your anecdotes fell a bit flat, and it’s impossible to move on from a humiliation like that. Her next boyfriend will be impossibly cool in every situation, like Steve McQueen in films. There are loads of guys like that.

You weren’t physically compatible 

So many deal-breakers. A man should be taller than his girlfriend in heels, not the same size, which just looks ridiculous. Any children would have had your Shrek-like ears, and your arms looked insufficiently muscled to give truly comforting post-coital cuddles. It’s a shame you can’t break up with the gene pool as well.

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