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Men's health magazines running out of ways to say 'get abs'

MAGAZINES that promote a healthy male lifestyle are desperately trying to find new ways to recommend abs.

After decades of running articles about how to get toned abdominal muscles, magazines for body-conscious men have admitted there is no further content to be wrung from this fairly limited topic.

Editor Tom Booker said: “Sure, we can do an article about biceps or thighs, but it’s abs everyone wanted. Now there are literally no new angles on developing stomach muscles and we’re paying the price.

“Once you’ve recommended sit-ups and tracking your calories in a way that doesn’t result in muscle loss, that’s it. We filled the pages with unnecessarily detailed instructions on how to do crunches for a few years, but that only bought us so much time.

“Nobody wrote in to complain and dentists kept placing our mags in their waiting rooms, so we assumed everything was okay. It’s not. We’ve run out of road for abs.

“If you can think of a fresh way to say ‘abs are hard to get but they look great and it could get you a shag’ then please get in touch urgently. I’m starting to lay people off at 2pm.”

Magazine reader Wayne Hayes said: “I hope they fold after decades of making me feel I should have abs. I’m sure these unrealistic body images gave me my eating disorder of stuffing my face with kebabs.”

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Six completely ethical ways to get rid of a chugger at your door

ARE you not very good at lying that you’re in the middle of dinner when a charity fundraiser knocks at your door? Try these tactics instead. 

Read all the small print 

What better way to deter them than to get bogged down in the legalese they’ve presented you with? Does this poor 20-year-old, underpaid fundraiser know exactly how setting up a direct debit affects your habeas corpus rights? Plus you get the chance to cosplay as a lawyer. Your parents would be so proud if you were a real one.

Claim mental distress from their cause

Now you’ve had it explained to you, you’re not only moved but deeply traumatised by the plight of warzone children/lonely old people/donkeys. Can they come back when you’ve had time to recover from the reactive depression they’ve just triggered? They’re bound to say yes, but will probably have to move on to a new area so won’t return. Well done, you have successfully fooled a caring organisation.

Try to sign them up for your own charity

What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, or something. Insist they sign up for a charity you’ve just thought of. Look, you’ve got all the donation details here on your phone. Soon they’ll be the one awkwardly trying not to look like a bastard by not supporting endangered beavers.

Offer a weird amount of cash

When the conversation turns to the sums you can choose to donate, insist on a strange amount that’s clearly less than the usual minimum, eg. £1.83 a month. When they say it’s usually a round five or tenner, insist your diligent budgeting means this is all you can afford. A national charity can’t accuse you of being a liar, weirdo or just pathetically poor, and the interaction will be over.

Debate them into catatonia

Charity is all very well and good, but you feel that relying too heavily on it opens the door for government inactivity and becoming reliant on the whims of millionaires or billionaires. Or indeed the general population, too easily swayed by cute animal causes and subject to financial hardship themselves. You’re surprised as how good you are at debating when not handing over money is involved.

Can they leave a leaflet? 

As soon as you realise it’s a fundraiser at the door, put on your best act of being stressed and harassed. Perhaps shout into the living room ‘No, you’re not taking the kids, Emma!’ then calmly tell the chugger that this is ‘a bad time’ and could they leave a leaflet? Who cares if your amateur dramatics are convincing or not, it’s what everyone else does anyway.

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