EVERYONE is speculating about my plans as PM, but no one has guessed I intend to turn Britain into the nightmarish ‘grimdark’ world of Warhammer 40k. Here’s what to expect.
There will be only war
It’s surprising coming from a moderate Labour type like myself, but Warhammer has convinced me we should live in a state of perpetual war. Obviously you haven’t voted for me or endless conflict and death, but that’s just how British politics works, so tough.
Everything will be decided by dice
From now on, all activities and life events, from eating a meal to having a girlfriend or going to university, will be decided by rolling dice like in Warhammer. It will be mental and yet strangely fair. Just be sure you have a d6 with you and roll a 3 or above if you’re in an accident and need to go to hospital.
Everyone will become a highly stylised soldier
Obviously there are the famous Warhammer Space Marines, but there are other factions like a futuristic Wehrmacht and fanatical combat nuns. None of it makes much sense, but it’s a great opportunity for all the people who won’t shut up about National Service to join up and die. Your conscription papers are in the post, gammons and Daily Telegraph columnists!
Parliament to be replaced with the Imperium of Man
For those unfamiliar with Warhammer lore, the Imperium is a brutal regime constantly at war with alien and supernatural beings like Necrons and Beasts of Nurgle. The Imperium is deeply fascist and viciously xenophobic, so we won’t be needing Reform UK anymore.
You might meet Henry Cavill
Superman actor Henry Cavill is a huge fan of Warhammer 40k and has been pushing for a film series based on the game. Once he realises we’re doing it for real he’s sure to sign up for inevitable death or the chance to be entombed forever inside a battle mech.
Try to avoid becoming a ‘servitor’
The Daily Mail has been predicting I will inflict left-wing economic misery on the UK, but they couldn’t have guessed I was actually planning to turn many taxpayers into hideously mutilated lobotomised cyborg slaves who know only drudgery and suffering. That will teach them to engage in scaremongering.
Everything will be ‘grimdark’
In the ‘grimdark’ fiction of Warhammer everything is as relentlessly horrible as possible. So when your loved ones die from war, overwork or pollution, they’ll be recycled as food. I’ve already had interest from Happy Shopper. You can forget about sex too, which is largely absent from the Warhammer universe. What did you expect from a world created by tabletop gaming nerds?
