EVERY parent in Britain is to be charged with the attempted murder of their own offspring under the latest Government proposals to combat child obesity.
All packed lunches made for schoolkids will have to contain a health warning saying “I am trying to kill you” signed by one or other parent and a picture of a child with a huge fat arse.
Parents will also have to stand at the dining table during breakfast and evening meals saying “another forkful of that and you will die tonight in your sleep you fat twat” as their children eat.
Ed Balls, minister for childhood obesity, said the drastic measures were necessary because all parents were homicidal maniacs intent on the destruction of their own children and the entire human race.
He said: “Fatness is now the biggest killer of pre-school and school age children. Not only are thousands of kids dropping down dead everyday because of fat but many of them are falling on other children too either maiming or killing them as well.”
He said the average weight of a three year-old child in Britain was now 17 stone, a staggering 50 per cent increase on what it was only 20 years ago.
New courts have been constructed to cope with the huge number of cases that will result from the Government crackdown with specially expanded and reinforced witness boxes for huge children to testify against their parents.
To speed up the process each child will be sat in the scales of justice and if found to be heavier than the ghost of Lena Zavaroni their parents will be shot on the spot, added Mr Balls.