All Parents Killing Their Children Say Government

EVERY parent in Britain is to be charged with the attempted murder of their own offspring under the latest Government proposals to combat child obesity.

All packed lunches made for schoolkids will have to contain a health warning saying “I am trying to kill you” signed by one or other parent and a picture of a child with a huge fat arse.

Parents will also have to stand at the dining table during breakfast and evening meals saying “another forkful of that and you will die tonight in your sleep you fat twat” as their children eat.

Ed Balls, minister for childhood obesity, said the drastic measures were necessary because all parents were homicidal maniacs intent on the destruction of their own children and the entire human race.

He said: “Fatness is now the biggest killer of pre-school and school age children. Not only are thousands of kids dropping down dead everyday because of fat but many of them are falling on other children too either maiming or killing them as well.”

He said the average weight of a three year-old child in Britain was now 17 stone, a staggering 50 per cent increase on what it was only 20 years ago.

New courts have been constructed to cope with the huge number of cases that will result from the Government crackdown with specially expanded and reinforced witness boxes for huge children to testify against their parents.

To speed up the process each child will be sat in the scales of justice and if found to be heavier than the ghost of Lena Zavaroni their parents will be shot on the spot, added Mr Balls.

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Tories Pledge To Make Themselves Utterly Pointless

GORDON Brown will remain prime minister if the Conservatives win the next election, as the party launches a new campaign to make itself completely and utterly pointless.

Shadow chancellor George Osborne said that, if elected, a Tory administration would also retain the current Cabinet, including Douglas Alexander, and continue to pursue all its ideas and policies for the duration of the first Parliament.

He added: "This is the culmination of more than 10 years of hard work. William Hague laid the groundwork, Iain Duncan Smith made an invaluable contribution and Michael Howard was a creepy bastard.

"Under the leadership of David Cameron the Conservatives can now look the British people in the eye and say that we are ready to govern in exactly the same way as the Labour Party."

He said that after a Tory victory Mr Cameron would have a seat in Cabinet so he could offer an encouraging thumbs-up to Gordon Brown and say "you go for it big guy" at the end of every meeting.

Mr Cameron would also provide tea and coffee making facilities, as well as a choice of continental or full English.

In addition Mr Cameron would offer Gordon Brown a range of massage options including a soothing shoulder rub during tense Cabinet meetings and all-over tone and relax with essential oils and an Enya CD.

Mr Osborne said: "David will wear white overalls and Gordon will have to keep one of those little towels over his 'no-go area'. But apart from that he is quite willing to rub him all over."