Childhood eating disorders may be caused by shit food, say experts

CHILDHOOD eating disorders may be caused by giving them plate after plate of food that is just shit, experts have claimed.

Researchers found that children as young as seven are looking down at their breadcrumbed abattoir scrapings and deciding to watch television while chewing a sock.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute For Studies, said: “Many people seem to think that eight year-olds are flicking through Vogue and comparing themselves unfavourably to a six-foot Amazon modelling shoes on a yacht.

“I think it’s more likely that they’re being served dinners that don’t change even slightly from kitchen to toilet.

“Say what you like about kids eating their own bogies but at least they’re not full of hydrogenated salt and trans-mashed poultry beak.”

Eating disorders have also risen sharply amongst wealthier families in direct correlation to the decline in parents telling their offspring that they can either eat their dinner or wear it like a fucking hat.

Tests showed that middle-class children who were not indulged as fussy eaters soon regained their appetite when told their tasty meal of fresh meat and vegetables would be spending the evening either in their stomach or rammed playfully into their Xbox.

But the majority of cases still came from amongst the country’s poorest children, where the average meal’s main source of vegetable was the ketchup in the ‘serving suggestion’ photograph.

Brubaker added: “Anyone doubting our findings should pop into their local Iceland. It’s like a David Cronenberg film about a psychotic vet.”

 

 

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Universities compete for best students with promise of first sexual encounter

EXCEPTIONAL students will be offered a guaranteed loss of virginity by universities vying to recruit them, it has emerged.

Sexual incentives for students with high grades include everything from full ‘introductory intercourse’ with a kind, pretty member of the opposite gender in a meaningful context with mood lighting to mutual masturbation with an ageing lab technician.

Tom Logan, deputy bursar at Roehampton University, said: “Universities have finally cottoned onto the fact that very bright teenagers are often socially and sexually inept, and are likely to still be wearing ‘the V-neck jumper’ when they leave school.

“Offering free sex should prove especially useful in recruiting gifted engineering students, 49% of whom currently die as virgins.”

AAB science student Stephen Malley accepted a place at the University of Polytechnic on the basis that he would get a 12 minute sexual experience with a sober female.

He said: “There were other factors too, such as the excellent library, good laboratory facilities and wide-ranging social activities. But mainly it was because of the vagina.

“Once you’ve matriculated, you are asked your sexuality and are then pointed towards the appropriate queue. Basically there are two Portakabins, each containing a male or female prostitute.

“Overall the intercourse was excellent with only a slight underlying anxiety that I was being covertly graded on my sexual performance, which was definitely below A* level.”