Couple experience MDMA-type high after friends cancel at last minute

A COUPLE whose dinner guests cancelled at the last minute experienced the kind of euphoria normally only achieved with recreational drugs.

Tom and Jen Booker started dreading the social arrangement and would have cancelled if they were not needy people pleasers.

Tom Booker said: “After a massive weekend I was dreaming about a takeaway and Netflix when I remembered we were having Nathan and Emma over for dinner.

“I immediately got this sinking feeling I imagine criminals get when they’re sentenced. I reminded Jen and she started smashing a large butternut squash on the kitchen counter.

“At six o-clock they cancelled by text and instantly we both started dancing and whooping totally high on the deep joy of a cancelled social engagement.

“We were pinging so hard we felt like calling people over to share the buzz with. Ironically Nathan and Emma were our first thought.”

Emma Bradford, the dinner guest who cancelled, said: “It’s a real shame, we felt dreadful about cancelling and almost didn’t do it but we were really hungover and just couldn’t be fucked.”



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Amateur football team loses 15-0 after letting Corbyn join in

JEREMY Corbyn is not very good at helping his own team win at football, an amateur side has discovered.

Players in a park in Islington invited the Labour leader to join in their game, only to find he was strangely unconcerned about beating the other team.

Team captain Martin Bishop said: “Early on he could have scored but he passed the ball back pointlessly because he ‘didn’t want to commit to a course of action without having all the independently verified facts’.

“Sometimes he’d just let players stroll past him. I asked why and he said he believed in a ‘kinder type of football’ where both teams have completely equal possession.

“Also he managed to score nine own goals. That’s a record even for us, and we’re the sort of totally shit, unfit players who only do it to get pissed afterwards.”

Corbyn said: “I see football very much as a cooperative sport, with all 22 players working together as a community to promote equality and socialist values.

“At one point the other team’s extremely overweight goalie tripped over. I felt it would be discriminatory to shoot and so put the ball out of play in keeping with my principles.”