Record number of British people pretending they’re not British

A RECORD number of embarrassed British people are pretending to be foreign.

As UK citizens recoil in horror from the idea of Britishness and the Brexit shitshow, they are shoehorning in references to their exotic lineages wherever possible.

While walking his dog in the park, John Thompson, 43, eagerly informed a stranger: “Is that a French Bulldog? That’s so funny, I’m actually an eighth French on my dad’s side.

“And I did one of those ancestry DNA tests that said I’m 6% Scandinavian, so I’m not really British at all.”

Meanwhile, dinner party guest Sarah Smith, 27, took the opportunity to display her Spanish roots.

“Oh my god, patatas bravas! Hola! My great-grandma was married to a Spanish guy for a bit and I studied it up to Year 9, so it’s in my blood.

“And is this Cuban rum? I went travelling there for like five weeks while I was at university so it’s pretty much a second home to me now.”

Meanwhile, across the globe, expats and people of British heritage are pretending to be Australian to avoid conversations about the country at all costs.