Craving for health articles ‘a sign of mental deficiency’

A DESIRE to read tawdry articles about health may be a sign that your brain is not working properly, doctors have warned.

A nice cup of tea and some fear

Clinicians believe a fascination with articles about the risks of coffee and implausibly easy exercise regimes may be caused by a deficiency in the region of the brain that recognises complete bollocks.

GP Donna Sheridan said: “An increasing number of patients are coming to me with idiotic questions like ‘Can I prevent Alzheimer’s by eating more sausages?’

“It invariably emerges that they’ve been reading health articles but their brain has failed to tell them it’s clickbait dashed off by a journalist who’s been told to increase web traffic or fuck off and get a job with Plywood Monthly.

“Many victims develop an almost religious belief in the healing properties of completely ordinary foods. One man was eating 11 pounds of raw cabbage and onion a day, which can’t have been pleasant for him or the passengers in his taxi.

“Others develop a morbid fear of largely harmless substances like coffee, which will either cause a fatal heart attack or improve your memory, depending on which day of the week it is.”

Dr Sheridan now believes health articles may somehow cause brain damage, because there was no other explanation for people believing that doing a few stretching exercises at your desk is a substitute for actually keeping fit.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “I read loads of health articles and I’ve never felt better, apart from living in constant crippling terror of dying from margarine, gluten or dust mites.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Antagonists claim to prefer the weather like this

DELIBERATELY antagonistic people are claiming to prefer the wet weather just to provoke arguments.

“It’s not as clammy”

Following a drop in temperature and severe storms, those who relish being controversial have been talking loudly about how much pleasanter it is.

56-year-old bitter divorcee Roy Hobbs said: “It’s horrible when it’s hot, you can’t sleep at night, there are insects everywhere and you have to wear shorts which makes you look like a cartoon character.

“It suits me much better when it is torrential rain all day. At least you can get some work done.

“That’s what I think. You probably have some sort of problem with that, don’t you? Not that I care.”

87-year-old Mary Fisher said: “Rain is the weather for me. The sun hurts my eyes, I hate it. And it’s too hot for the dog.

“It’s just a shame you can’t do any of the things you enjoy doing, like going to the seaside or the park. Still, it’s better for me.

“Also, I prefer big dogs to puppies. Puppies are shit. Aren’t they?”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “These are the kind of people who will swear blind that Jaws II is better than Jaws, just because it isn’t.

“They will die alone.”