Do a six-mile paper round before 8am: how to get fit in the 1970s

FITBITS? Couch to 5K apps? Bollocks to that. Get in shape the 1970s way through everyday hardship for f**k-all reward: 

Do a six-mile paper round

Forget ankle weights and a rucksack full of smugness; simply hump 25 pounds of newsprint round a council estate at 6am. Concrete stairs, pissing rain, a psychotic Alsatian hurling itself at every other letterbox. What doesn’t deform your spine makes you stronger.

Ride a Chopper

Weighing as much as a Smart car, the Raleigh Chopper or its later relative, the Grifter, were welded together from melted-down war shrapnel and as heavy as three children. Usually ridden by three children. Once going downhill cannot be stopped.

Get chased by a gang

Jogging, and of course jogging suits, weren’t invented until the 80s. But everything roamed in packs: punks, skinheads, droogs, Chelsea fans and blokes on mopeds in Parkas. If caught alone your own by any of these you would be subjected to a terrifying lung-busting chase for your life.

Carry heavy stuff

The equivalent to the weights bench in 1972 was everyday household labour. Nothing had wheels and everything was a free-weight. Coal came in sacks, bins were made of galvanised iron, sacks of potatos came home from the pub. Collaborative exercise in the form of swapping furniture between houses was a fun way to get fit with friends.

Constantly maintain your car

1970s cars were built by men who spent four days of the week on strike and the other three in a power cut. Every muscle group was burned bump-starting the car, one of your five-a-day vehicle maintenance tasks alongside giving it more choke, mopping condensation, emptying the ashtray, and topping up oil. To beat Tough Mudder ditch the Qashqai and get a Vauxhall Victor.

Smoking 40 a day

There’s no more lung-busting exercise than a serious fag habit. Think running up a hill for boot camp’s hard? Try walking up six flights of stairs while continually torching gaspers. And, because every workplace, home, pub and bus is wreathed in blue smoke, non-smokers get to join in!

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BBC chairman arranging Boris loan 'clear proof of left-wing bias'

THE BBC chairman’s role in arranging a £800k loan to Boris Johnson proves the corporation’s left-wing bias once and for all, critics claim. 

Richard Sharp put the former prime minister in touch with his loan guarantor, following which Sharp was made BBC chairman in clear evidence of the so-called independent broadcaster bowing to woke demands.

Helen Archer, of the coincidentally rival media empire of The Times, said: “How did a man with no experience in any relevant field became BBC chairman? Because he’s a leftie.

“Raking in £160,000 a year for letting Labour write the news, non-binary students with septum piercings write the sitcoms, and Gary Lineker to make up whatever football results suit his radical pro-Leicester agenda.

“Why did he arrange this loan? Boris didn’t need the money. Everyone knows he’s as solvent as he is principled. No, this was deliberately set up to embarass the Tories and overthrow the government, like Partygate and the Liz Truss government.

“This is the smoking gun that proves once and for all that the BBC is the enemy of Britain. Abolish the licence fee and sell off the good bits to my boss. It’s what Britain demands.”

She added: “What other explanation is there? That a prime minister was so desperate for cash he rewarded the guy who helped him out with a job he wasn’t remotely qualified for? Scarcely credible.”