Woman doing Dry January discovers she can make terrible life choices sober, too

A WOMAN who has not drunk for more than three weeks has been alarmed to find she can still make f**king awful decisions without touching a drop.

Claims adjuster Nikki Hollis expected that swearing off alcohol would benefit her health, her skin and her propensity to bugger up relationships, only to have had a disastrous sexual encounter as recently as Friday. 

She said: “I’m not someone who should drink. I text, I cry, I snog the barman. So my heroic abstinence heralded a new me. 

“No. This weekend I lost my handbag, missed two trains and paid £60 for a taxi because I made it stop at KFC, then left my front door open and forgot to set my alarm. Without a single unit. 

“Worryingly, my poor performance at work isn’t being hungover on a Wednesday. On nothing but a vitamin smoothie I forgot a client meeting and mass emailed an MC Hammer Brexit meme to 8,400 people. 

She added: “And turns out I sleep with my best mate’s new boyfriend whether I’m pissed or not.”

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Five sickening types of shag loved-up couples have in the honeymoon period

COUPLES in the honeymoon period are sickeningly happy. But what’s more disgusting is how they physically express their feelings.

Tentative first shag

About as awkward as a baby deer trying to stand up for the first time. The only verbal communication between the trembling fumbling will be ‘Are you okay?’ and ‘Is that good?’. Usually lasts for seven underwhelming minutes but both parties will lie that it’s the best, most meaningful sex they’ve ever had. Typically involves four hours of post-coital eye contact and pillow talk.

Can’t-believe-we’re-doing-it-again second shag

So nobody ghosted each other and they’re up for round two? Wow. That’s practically unheard of in this day and age. Cue a second shag that’s fuelled by equal parts disbelief and lust. The likelihood of a third shag is still uncertain, so both people will have at it with delirious abandon until he needs to slink off to the bathroom to bin his condom.

Confident third, fourth, fifth, etc. shag

Okay. At this point shagging is somewhat familiar but still a novelty. That won’t last long as honeymoon period couples like to embark on marathon boning sessions which explore every cranny and contortion of the human body. If a friend of yours has mysteriously vanished for a month, this is what they’ve been up to.

Weird kinky shag

The shags before this were a mere preamble. Now each partner can bring up what they wanted to do from the very beginning, which typically involves lots of stuff ordered from the internet and putting things up each other’s bums. Kinks will be indulged out of politeness and the hope that it leads to sex that doesn’t involve a safe word in the future.

Tearful break-up shag

One partner’s debauched sexual fantasy was a bit too spicy for the other’s liking, meaning they’ve had to invent an unrelated reason to dump them. But not before they get down to a mournful break-up shag lubed by tears. This will shortly be followed by drunken-hooking-back-up shags, I-miss-you shags and let’s-give-this-another-go shags, until she finds someone better.