Cocaine 'too hard to do'

COCAINE is not worth it because it is simply too hard to do, recreational drug users have confirmed.

Unlike other drugs, which come in smokable or swallowable forms, cocaine must be ingested nasally which is not easily or pleasantly accomplished outside laboratory or dealer’s kitchen settings.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “It’s not really worth the hassle, is it?

“Very obviously going to the toilets all night, chopping out a line of expensive powder on a filthy cistern, snorting it through a rolled-up tenner and then doing it again 20 minutes later? Come on.

“Arguably spliffs require just as much prep – tobacco, papers, roach, a Pentangle album on vinyl to roll it on – but they can be pre-prepared and anyway stoners don’t go out much.

“But cocaine adds an exacting logistical problem to an evening which only increases the more f**ked up on cocaine you are. The corner-of-a-credit-card thing takes ages to get good at and spilling this shit costs. Face it. It’s never going to take off.”

The findings are to be used in a new government anti-drugs campaign with the slogan ‘Cocaine: save yourself the arseache’.

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Couple's break-up on train enters Rotten Tomatoes top ten

A COUPLE’S devastating public argument has been declared a masterpiece after audiences highly rated both its plot and execution.

Emma Bradford and Nathan Muir started bickering on a journey between London and Crewe, the beginning of a powerful 94-minute relationship drama that critics say should be nominated for a BAFTA.

Spectator Helen Archer said: “They built the tension really slowly, right from the moment he said she was hogging the armrest and she accused him of saying she had fat elbows.

“From then on it was a note-perfect masterclass of passive-aggressive sniping until the big reveal that actually he had slept with Jenny from the office and things really kicked off. What a twist, I was on the edge of my seat.

“They gave such authentic performances as well, right down to the snot on her t-shirt. And then there was the unexpected physical comedy of her throwing his phone down the aisle, which released a bit of the emotional pressure before he suddenly broke down in anguished, heart-rending sobs. Honestly, bravo.”

Emma Bradford said: “Well, I’m glad you all enjoyed one of the worst experiences of my life. But I will say that if Hollywood wants to remake it then I insist Scarlett Johansson plays me, while Nathan’s part will be done by Danny DeVito.”