‘YOU talkin’ to me?’ men say into mirrors while holding a cordless drill, or any of these vaguely gun-shaped objects:
A banana
Spotting a banana in a fruit bowl, a man hears the imaginary sound of two masked intruders kicking the kitchen door in. Wheeling and grabbing the banana in an instant, he fires a fusillade of shots from his deadly musa acuminita while diving behind the fridge. Both die instantly.
A cordless vacuum
This futuristic plasma weapon is perfect for combatting ghosts, aliens or mere invaders beaming in from an alternative future. Can be fired either one-handed or, using the extended barrel, to deliver a superheated stream of molten death straight from the hip.
A hairdryer
‘Maybe not, motherf**ker,’ men casually say while raising the hairdryer from its concealed position beneath the dressing table. ‘Say hello to my little friend. Now, give me one reason to let you live. Uh? Not good enough,’ before triggering maximum heat and flow. Boom.
A weed puller
This dandelion-removing tool not only has the right long-barrelled shape but requires a shotgun-racking moment to dispose of the weed into the correct recycling bin. It looks like he’s doing the garden: actually he’s Arnie in Terminator 2, blowing holes in the T-1000. The part of John Connor is played by a rosebush.
An upholstery stapler
Not shaped like any weapon used by conventional police forces but has a trigger and actually fires something, delivering a satisfying kickback. Furniture restorers must enjoy cloudless psychological health after double-tapping all their enemies in the back of the head hundreds of times a day.
A massage gun
This girlfriend’s birthday present even has gun in the name, so what choice does a man have but to pose in the mirror with it before dropping to one knee and taking out an entire squad of Navy SEALs with precisely aimed centre-mass single shots? Before massaging said girlfriend’s back in the vain hope of a shag?
