Women should support other women, says awful, unsupportable woman

A WOMAN who no one in their right mind would support is using feminism to blackmail other women into endorsing her bad behaviour.

Spiteful horror Eleanor Shaw insists that everything she does should be uncritically celebrated by all other women, even if it comes at their expense.

Shaw said: “Women should know that when one of us does well, we all do. That’s the basic principle of female solidarity, you sour-faced bitches.

“But I’ve noticed that every time I nab a promotion they should’ve got, or expose their cheating boyfriend by sleeping with him, or raise a child strong enough to bully one of their own kids, they’re up in arms.

“You would think I’d done something terrible, instead of just proving that women can do anything a man can do, including being manipulative, thoughtless and generally unpleasant.

“And not to be rude, but their bitterness does them no favours, not with their already wrinkled and haggard faces. I could say they should get Botox, but I won’t, because I support other women.”

Ex-friend Carolyn Ryan said: “I don’t hate women. But I do hate that woman. There’s a difference.”

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Wild sitting, and other activities the middle classes will put 'wild' in front of

ONCE they have exhausted wild swimming, the middle classes are sure to give other simple activities stupid gentrified nicknames. Including these.

Wild sitting

Just as wild swimming looks like regular swimming to the untrained eye, wild sitting will bear an uncanny resemblance to simply placing your arse down on a chair. The only difference will be a slew of Guardian articles dissecting this hot new trend and a bunch of rich twentysomethings from London acting like they discovered this basic human function.

Wild drinking

The novelty of drinking in a pub is starting to wear off for trendy metropolitan types. But once they discover you can buy tinnies from the shops and get plastered on a park bench, the craze of wild drinking will be born. It’ll be completely distinct from working class yobs who already get drunk in public thanks to a raft of expensive and unnecessary gear, and an expensive coffee table book on the subject.

Wild allotmenting

Owning an allotment isn’t the preserve of the middle classes that it used to be. Even regular people who don’t have conservatories have been known to fail to grow tomatoes in a tiny plot of land. To restore order, middle class people will embark on wild allotmenting, which is basically growing vegetables in secret on the grounds of a National Trust property.

Wild getting a mortgage

As if getting a mortgage wasn’t tedious or difficult enough, middle class people will inevitably create a new version that involves going outdoors for no apparent reason. There won’t be any benefit to wild mortgaging, it’ll just be another meaningless class signifier like owning an Aga or having a wood-burning stove. You’re just as good, if not better off, without it.

Wild spiralizing

The zenith of middle class bullshit. A wild activity so extreme it will separate the men from the boys. Slicing vegetables into long thin ribbons will be reclaimed by the bourgeoisie as they head into caves or traipse to the Lake District to do it. Meanwhile people who spiralize indoors will be looked down on as the uneducated pleb scum that they are.