Five ways Matt Hancock will totally f**k up the vaccination

EXPERTS say the UK could return to normality by Easter if we don’t screw up the vaccine rollout. Here’s how Matt Hancock will screw up the vaccine rollout.

Leave it until it’s too late

Staying true to form, Hancock will fail to learn from our European neighbours as they order the Pfizer vaccine in shedloads. Instead he’ll drag his heels for weeks then appear astonished when it’s run out. If only there was some way this could have been predicted?

Get useless Tory cronies to do it

Instead of leaving the vaccine rollout to NHS doctors or local authorities, Matt will give control of the process to a dubious company called VaxxiPro that sprung up a fortnight ago and has a tiny warehouse in Essex. And whose MD, purely coincidentally, is a Tory party donor.

Only purchase tiny quantities

Screwing up the vaccine is a great opportunity to lower the proles’ expectations for the NHS. If communities are forced to pull together and make homemade remedies from Night Nurse capsules and Calpol it will get them ready for what the NHS will be like post-Brexit.

Fundamentally misunderstand vaccines

After zoning out while Chris Whitty and Patrick Vallance walk him through the rollout with the help of dreary slides, Hancock will vaccinate the population in a hopelessly piecemeal way, leaving Covid to run amok. Then he’ll use the inevitable third lockdown to do the same again but with a glitchy app.

Do a seemingly decent job for one day then call it quits

Having made ambitious claims about how many people will be vaccinated per day on Sky News, Hancock will fudge the numbers before admitting only 150 people have been treated. Expected vaccination numbers will plummet and the Nightingale hospitals will be converted into KFCs.


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How to be a huge pain in the arse about getting fired, by Donald Trump

ANGRY and in denial about getting fired? You probably can’t let a few nukes fly like I’m going to, but try these tips: 

Pretend it hasn’t happened

If you keep going to work like nothing has changed, what are they going to do? Having security march you out when you’re found by the Nespresso machine for the fifth week running would be embarassing. I’m staying president until the Secret Service carry me out.

Damage the company

You know, like delete a few thousand important spreadsheets, order 900 new bottles for the water cooler, or abolish democracy. Personally, I’m going to inflame global tensions and let Covid run rampant, but whatever floats your boat.

File a lawsuit

Did you deserve to be fired? Yes? Then file a lawsuit. It’s a colossal waste of time and money and you know you won’t win, but why give them the satisfaction?

Ignore reality

Eventually your denial will become so concerning that someone close to you will try to explain that it’s over. Disregard them. There’s always a new sycophant available to agree that you’ve suffered a terrible, historic injustice, even if you were fired for stealing and are on trial next week.

Play golf

Avoid the meeting where they’re going to fire you by playing golf. If they try to reschedule, play golf then too. Whenever something bad is going to happen, play golf. Golf makes all the bad things go away.