How to be a sunburnt wanker during the heatwave

THERE’S an unexpected heatwave, so as a Briton you have no option but to overdo your sun exposure. Here are the best ways:  

Claim British sun is different

There’s no way the sun here is the same strength as Ibiza because we’re further from the equator. So no need for sunscreen, spend 12 hours out in it just to get an even tan to last you through winter, then spend the next two days in bed sweating, shivering, and whimpering when the sheets touch you.

Wear inappropriate attire

Lads, if you take your top off but still wear a baseball cap, turn it backwards. Ladies, make an impression by wearing those new strappy sandals. That way when you burn yourself lobster-red, the design will still be visible in your flaking flesh for months after.

Expose stupid bits

A late heatwave is the perfect time to tan flesh that rarely sees daylight. If lying face-down expose your arse cleavage to an unexpected dose of radiation, and don’t forget the soles of your feet. Lounging with your hands behind your head is a great way to scorch underarm skin. Get creative!

Ignore warning signs

Your skin will send you all kinds of messages while you improve your tan: itching, blistering, unbearable inner heat. Dismiss them and claim your persistent vomiting is down to norovirus, not sunstroke. It’ll be worth it when you peel off your entire epidermis like Greggs pastry to reveal the shiny new you.

Get pissed and fall asleep

All Brits know hydrating with large amounts of alcohol when sunbathing helps in two ways: first, it numbs the pain of being roasted and second, alcohol promotes daytime sleep which enhances tanning. To measure your progress always leave your phone or a book on your chest for instant contrast.

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Margaret Thatcher rising from her grave

MARGARET Thatcher is rising from her grave in horror at Boris Johnson’s social care tax rises, senior Conservatives believe. 

Tory grandees say that the broken manifesto and tax grab for the NHS is such an outrage against the party’s traditions that the former prime minister is not just turning in her grave but clawing her way out of the grave and striding toward Downing Street to wreak her vengeance.

Iain Duncan Smith said: “I shudder to think what the greatest Conservative leader of our lifetime would think of this. I shudder because I know.

“She will at this moment be imbued with a demonic energy, her eyes glowing crimson, her dead frame revitalised with a power straight from hell that no military force can stop.

“Rising from the earth and shattering her marble tombstone with a single blow, her reanimated corpse will head straight for Westminster where she will decapitate and devour every MP before dropkicking Boris’s severed head over the Thames and eating his hot guts.

“Then, crackling with unholy energy, she will return to Downing Street, resume her position as prime minister, cancel these rises and impose a millennium of eternal night and suffering upon Britain.

“She will use Sajid Javid’s skull as a bowl. It’s the most marvellous news I could ever have hoped for. Hail Thatcher. Hail the Dark Uprising.”