THERE’S an unexpected heatwave, so as a Briton you have no option but to overdo your sun exposure. Here are the best ways:
Claim British sun is different
There’s no way the sun here is the same strength as Ibiza because we’re further from the equator. So no need for sunscreen, spend 12 hours out in it just to get an even tan to last you through winter, then spend the next two days in bed sweating, shivering, and whimpering when the sheets touch you.
Wear inappropriate attire
Lads, if you take your top off but still wear a baseball cap, turn it backwards. Ladies, make an impression by wearing those new strappy sandals. That way when you burn yourself lobster-red, the design will still be visible in your flaking flesh for months after.
Expose stupid bits
A late heatwave is the perfect time to tan flesh that rarely sees daylight. If lying face-down expose your arse cleavage to an unexpected dose of radiation, and don’t forget the soles of your feet. Lounging with your hands behind your head is a great way to scorch underarm skin. Get creative!
Ignore warning signs
Your skin will send you all kinds of messages while you improve your tan: itching, blistering, unbearable inner heat. Dismiss them and claim your persistent vomiting is down to norovirus, not sunstroke. It’ll be worth it when you peel off your entire epidermis like Greggs pastry to reveal the shiny new you.
Get pissed and fall asleep
All Brits know hydrating with large amounts of alcohol when sunbathing helps in two ways: first, it numbs the pain of being roasted and second, alcohol promotes daytime sleep which enhances tanning. To measure your progress always leave your phone or a book on your chest for instant contrast.