Six British TV characters that prove there's something f**king wrong with us as a country

EVER tried to be proud to be British then remembered we made an obese pink-and-yellow monstrosity that only said ‘Blobby’ Christmas number one? And it didn’t stop there: 

Mr Blobby

Invented as a deliberately crap joke on Noel’s House Party, Mr Blobby once towered over the nation’s consciousness like a colossus. He starred on our most popular TV show and was the top attraction at three theme parks. Why? What rational country would do this to themselves?

The Teletubbies

Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-laa and Po – the four horsemen of the pre-school apocalypse – were imbecilic morons spouting gibberish who proved wildly popular, presaging Brexit. Were narrowly beaten to the Christmas number one by another cartoonish band popular with idiot kids, The Spice Girls.

Orville

A huge green ventriloquist’s dummy duck that wore a nappy and spoke in a high-pitched Yorkshire accent about wishing he could fly, created in an Army psy-ops lab and used against the British people at the height of Thatcherism. And yes, we bought his f**king single too.

Wee Jimmy Krankie

A woman playing a small, mischievous Scottish boy alongside her husband, who played her father. Every child of the era remembers how deeply disturbed they were when they found that out. It led to questions that no school sex education teacher could answer. Yet despite it all they’re second-rank national treasures.

Emu

In contrast to Orville, this bird puppet was entirely focused on violence. All he did was viciously attack people without provocation and Britain absolutely loved him for it. So why wouldn’t far-right wankers from the National Front to Tommy Robinson think this was the way to our hearts?

Piers Morgan

Since the 1980s Piers Morgan, a parody of an arrogant, conceited, pompous, newspaper editor and TV presenter, has enthralled the nation. Pushing boundaries of tedium and obnoxiousness, he’s delighted us for decades. Because there is something f**king wrong with us.

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Office coaxes workers back with 'no trousers' policy

OFFICES across Britain are trying to tempt employees to stop working from home by allowing them to go completely bottomless. 

Realising that staff accustomed to Zoom meetings and doing spreadsheets at the kitchen table find skirts and trousers an unjust imposition, businesses are promising a more relaxed nude-from-the-waist-down dress code.

Start-up CEO Julian Cook said: “We’ve always been a really casual, chill work environment. We don’t care what you wear or have pierced, as long as you’re logged on between 8am and 9pm and constantly accessible outside of those hours.

“And now we’ve dropped all requirement for the lower body to be clothed, we’re already seeing the benefits. Employees are flooding back in to enjoy the air-conditioning on their genitalia and the free pizza.

“Sure, HR are hearing a lot about sweaty bum-prints on chairs and one guy got his knackers trapped in the table football, but he never really had the right attitude anyway.”

IT executive Grace Wood-Morris said: “Everyone’s got their arses out. It’s deeply unpleasant just to be here and I’d do anything to leave.

“So just like before, but with arses.”