Boomers declare victory

BOOMERS have declared a final, crushing victory over Generation X, millennials, and the Zoomers who will be forced to pay for their social care.

After years of getting their own way on house prices, climate change and Brexit, boomers believe they have now vanquished all other generations for good.

Retired headmistress Margaret Gerving said: “Your surrender is unconditional. Your defeat is total. Your purpose in life is to pay for our deaths.

“You pathetic snowflakes have forced us to live in a world of genderfluid, Black Lives Matter, Extinction Rebellion nonsense, but you’re still footing the bill.

“I’ll enjoy my long slow decline into decrepitude, revelling as my body and mind need more and more expensive help, assured in the knowledge that annoying youngsters – by which I mean anyone under 55 – are paying through the nose for my senility and incontinence.

“What do you mean, I sound selfish? I’m just a harmless little old lady who wants to give the proceeds of selling my four-bedroom detached house to the local donkey sanctuary.”

Sophie Rodriguez, aged 23, said: “Just another two decades of financing history’s most overprivileged bastards to go. Come on, guys. We can do this.”

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Swap your summer fling for your winter cuff-up: five things to do before the firebreak lockdown

THE UK’s return to normality is going so well there might be a firebreak lockdown in October. Get these five activities done first: 

Swap your summer fling for your winter cuff-up

Just as you’re packing your shorts away and breaking out your dufflecoat, it’s time to ditch your flighty summer romance for a settled winter dalliance. Ditch them now so it won’t look like you’re panicking at spending lockdown with them. Ditch them now before they ditch you.

Stock up

You know the drill. At the first sign of lockdown, shoppers descend on supermarkets like locusts. Beat the rush by stocking up on pasta and flour tonight and you’ll be free to ignore them and live on takeaways, just like the last two lockdowns.

Celebrate Halloween

2020 was the year of cancelled weddings and a shit Christmas, and if there’s a firebreak lockdown the coming Halloween will be scrapped too. Get yours in early by dressing up and going trick-or-treating in the blistering September heat. Be prepared to administer more tricks than you receive treats this year.

Get hammered with your mates in the pub

A two-week school holiday shouldn’t really make any difference to your God-given right as an English citizen to get pissed in a hostelry, but you can’t be too careful. Get together and knock back pints like there’s no tomorrow. It’s sensible, prudent and forward-thinking.

Pop to the shops without a mask

Currently you can forego face coverings while nipping for a pint of milk, but that luxury could soon be snatched from us. Go crazy and breathe big lungfuls of unmasked air in the chilled aisles while you can because before you know it you might have to act responsibly again.