DOES your relationship only exist if it’s getting likes on social media? Then announce these meaningless relationship milestones to force your friends to respond:
This announcement has two uses: gets attention in the group chat while making everyone push their laptops away at the thought of you getting it good and hard. Yeah, they’ll comment on the carnal complexities of your love life, just as they would on a particularly gruesome car crash.
‘We’ve gone exclusive’
Declaring that you and your partner have simultaneously decided you can’t do any better for the time being is just so f**king romantic. Watch friends nod along to your story of your beau deciding to stop porking their co-worker every other weekend to exclusively pork you instead.
‘We’re celebrating our one-month’
One month? One month of what? The fact that the fire of passion’s already dampened enough to be having calendar-specified nights out after four weeks should be cause for concern. But go on, proclaim it, and make friends ask about the low-budget present you got bought because they’ve only been seeing you for a poxy month.
‘We decided I should have a drawer’
Sure, ‘we’ decided, because ‘we’ were definitely agreed that ‘we’ couldn’t keep wearing the same underwear for three days then throwing them away in the kitchen bin. It’s definitely a milestone though, because look, people are still finding new things to say about what one small drawer means for your relationship.
‘We’re having a baby’
This one’s going a bit too far. Just because you’ve managed to conjure the sacred miracle of life we’re meant to care? Now everyone’s got to ask about pregnancy, or names, or the unbridled joy of becoming a new parent. Pack it in for a minute and give Neil a chance to talk about his new lawnmower.