Sunday, 16th February 2020

Loud sneezers told to get a f*cking grip

LETTING rip with the deafening roar of a shotgun blast impresses absolutely no-one, loud sneezers have been informed.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Sneezes happen, I get that. But I draw the line when people seem physically satisfied for somehow creating a noise that’s louder than glass bottles being tipped into the recycling.

“I know there’s a danger that if you hold in a sneeze you might rupture your eardrums, but how likely is that really?

“And if that does happen your name might end up in a medical journal. It’s a small price for fame.

“Meanwhile, teeny-tiny sneezers can f*ck off as well. You’re expelling air and snot, so don’t try and act like some sort of Beatrix Potter character. It’s manky.”

Loud sneezer Martin Bishop said: “My ear-splitting sneezes are a substitute for my lack of personality. A couple of violent sternutations provide an engaging conversation topic for those around me. They really make the days fly by.

“I will sulk if you don’t say ‘bless you’.”