Loud sneezers told to get a f**king grip

LETTING rip with the deafening roar of a shotgun blast impresses absolutely no-one, loud sneezers have been informed.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Sneezes happen, I get that. But I draw the line when people seem physically satisfied for somehow creating a noise that’s louder than glass bottles being tipped into the recycling.

“I know there’s a danger that if you hold in a sneeze you might rupture your eardrums, but how likely is that really?

“And if that does happen your name might end up in a medical journal. It’s a small price for fame.

“Meanwhile, teeny-tiny sneezers can f**k off as well. You’re expelling air and snot, so don’t try and act like some sort of Beatrix Potter character. It’s manky.”

Loud sneezer Martin Bishop said: “My ear-splitting sneezes are a substitute for my lack of personality. A couple of violent sternutations provide an engaging conversation topic for those around me. They really make the days fly by.

“I will sulk if you don’t say ‘bless you’.”

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Who would you vote for: Boris Johnson or Lord Summerisle from The Wicker Man?

LORD Summerisle from The Wicker Man may be a fictional character but would that make him more or less effective than Boris Johnson?

Coming across well on camera
Johnson comes across like a bumbling prick whose fake character has long since worn thin and now just makes Britain look idiotic. Lord Summerisle comes across like a strong willed man whose sacrifice of a middle aged virgin was only for the good of his people.

Meeting Trump
Lord Summerisle would not have looked as much as a twat as Johnson did and that includes being in fancy dress while dancing arm-in-arm with island folk and demanding a better crop next year ‘at any cost‘.

Brexit
Lord Summerisle would at least offer the EU some sacrificial virgins in exchange for a better deal and would gladly burn his enemies is a giant wicker man, instead of threatening them with ‘deselection’ like some ponce.