Man makes tough decision to wait a day before getting so drunk he goes to A&E

THE ambulance strike has forced a man to make the difficult decision to wait a day before getting so pissed he needs his stomach pumped.

Tom Logan was looking forward to mixing beer, wine and spirits during a mid-afternoon pub crawl, but has reluctantly shelved his epic boozing session because it is currently unsafe to get monstrously shitfaced.

He said: “I know, I know, strikes are supposed to be inconvenient. But I’m on holiday now and I was really looking forward to drinking until I passed out. I guess I’ll have to wait until tomorrow.

“I had it all planned out, too. A quick warm up at the Red Lion with half a dozen pints, before moving on to the Royal Oak for a couple of bottles of house white. Then on to the nearest and cheapest gin bar for a few rounds of cocktails, and finally A&E to get it all drained out of me with a tube. It would have been beautiful.

“The NHS needs our support more than ever though, so I’m going to do the right thing and abstain from getting completely twatted for a few hours. Does my valiant good deed make me the new Captain Tom? Yes.”

Nurse Nikki Hollis said: “A taxi driver dumped Mr Logan in front of reception two minutes ago. He said he just couldn’t wait.”

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The secret world of middle-aged emojis: What your parents are really saying in their texts

AFTER identifying emojis used by teens to mean drugs or sex, police have published a shocking guide to what the middle-aged really mean when they use the symbols.

The guide, which alerts teenagers to the coded messages their parents are sending to each other, exposes a hidden world of depravity and lower back pain.

Aubergine, cherries, peach = haemorrhoids

Used to covertly communicate that a middle-aged person is suffering piles and is in desperate need of a tube of Anusol from the chemist, who may be referred to as ‘the dealer’ to conceal the true nature of this nefarious transaction.

Turd, devil face, clown = their children

Children are rarely referred to by name as the parent doesn’t like them enough. Instead disparaging emojis are used, as in ‘[turd emoji] failed GCSE mocks, looks like I’m not on the hook for tuition fees! [party popper emoji]‘.

Slot machine jackpot, pink admission ticket, fish on hook = had sex last night

Glimpsed only occasionally, these emojis indicate that a pair of disgusting, overweight and inappropriately hairy and/or balding people got it on last night, an activity which should rightly be reserved only for the young and hot.

Thought balloon, fog, face in clouds = I’ve got some weed in

Using different, and less cool, emojis allows the old to signal they have scored a quarter of white widow, as in ‘[fog emoji] so come round and we’ll watch a shitload of Friends on Netflix’, an activity kept strictly secret because it’s exactly what the kids do.

Pregnant man = kids on about f**king gender again

No Gen X texter may ever admit out loud that they doubt the young’s belief in the gender revolution, lest they be cancelled. The pregnant man emoji neatly conveys their exact feelings to other fortysomethings without a word needing to be said.

Happy family = I hate all these bastards

Exclusively used ironically.