Menstrual mood swings oddly liberating, women agree

WOMAN have confirmed that the hormones and mood swings associated with menstruation give them free reign to let their worst but most honest emotions show.

The resentments and grievances that they politely keep under control the rest of the time can be unleashed on a rightfully cowering world, with pleasing results.

Sophie Rodriguez, aged 33, said: “During this month’s period I’ve managed to successfully intimidate a cyclist into getting off the pavement, got a refund from a terrified stylist after a horrible haircut and called my boyfriend a ‘useless little f**kface’. It’s been glorious.

“Menstruation is a messy pain in the arse, but it’s the only time I can really let go and express my dissatisfaction and anger with all life’s irritations. I don’t feel guilty or use the phrase ‘no problem if not’. Instead, I can just enjoy going unashamedly mental.

“And while women may have been oppressed for centuries and portrayed as irrational lunatics controlled by the moon, it means I don’t have to suffer any consequences for my actions.

“Instead, I can just shrug and say it was those big nasty hormones taking over poor little old me and everyone understands. Up yours, patriarchy.”

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Fine, I'll bring back Patel if that's what you all want, says Sunak

THE prime minister has decided to bring back former Home Secretary Priti Patel because that is clearly what you are all clamouring for.

Rishi Sunak has read between the lines of political outcry surrounding Suella Braverman’s Times article and proceeded to grant everyone’s wish of reappointing Priti Patel to the position of Home Secretary.

He said: “I hear you. All this talk of Remembrance Day protests and police bias is your awkward, roundabout way of begging for Patel’s unwavering smirk to return to office. And who am I to refuse?

“Compared to her hardline stance on immigration and reports of institutional bullying, Braverman is far too cuddly and personable. You want better, and you deserve better.

“Clearly that speech about hurricanes of mass migration failed to impress. Even claiming that living in a tent was a lifestyle choice was too little too late. You still craved the architect of the cruel Rwanda plan, and nobody else would suffice.

“Braverman will be given her marching orders, and no doubt she’ll find a new home on GB News by the end of the year. It’s the natural order of things.”

Patel said: “I’ve come up with loads of great ideas since I’ve been away. First up: life imprisonment for Guardian readers.”