Doctor Who not for children but developmentally delayed adults, says showrunner

RUSSELL T Davies has confirmed that his upcoming series of Doctor Who is not for children but for adults who, for complex reasons, are unable to enjoy proper television.

The showrunner explained that, despite being about a magic man in a magic house who travels through time, the show is aimed firmly at an adult audience albeit one that has certain unresolved issues.

He continued: “These new specials bring back David Tennant as the nice safe man you had a crush on when you were too young to understand why. You’ll like that.

“One of the episodes is also very scary. Not, like, horror film scary, just scary for those who have yet to graduate past television that resolves neatly in 45 minutes with happy, happy smiles.

“Why is it still on at teatime before the watershed? Because this audience has very specific demands and will not tolerate change. It upsets them, and it’s easier to pander to them than put up with their online tantrums.

“So yes, Doctor Who is for adults, but a particular subset of adults. Don’t try to just watch it if you’re normal. You won’t know what the f**k’s going on or why it even exists.”

Doctor Who fan Oliver O’Connor said: “I hope they finally resolve the questions left by The Brain Of Morbius that have tormented me ever since. It was also when Dad left.”

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Why do the police refuse to crack down on these threats inside my head?

By Roy Hobbs.

The British way of life is under attack. Poppy sellers are being assaulted. The Home Secretary is being forced out of office for speaking up for the silent majority, never mind all that nonsense about breaking ministerial codes.

The Cenotaph is being desecrated by crazed anti-war extremists who’d rather there were no wars and therefore no Cenotaph at all, cancelling a vital part of our heritage.

But the woke police won’t take action on any of this because they say there is no evidence that it has actually happened, despite it being reported by the always forensically accurate newspaper The Sun.

Evidence? If they want evidence, they only have to come and look in my imagination. It’s right there. They’ll find all this, and much more.

Crazed protestors drowning out the two minute silence on Remembrance Sunday chanting ‘F**k Captain Tom’ and painting the Churchill statue gay colours. Big, bald lads who enjoy the footie getting wrongfully arrested for being a bit too enthusiastically patriotic with their fists. Hamas terrorists being given the key to the City of London by Sadiq Khan.

What are the Met going to do about that, I wonder?

Also, loony left councils cancelling poppies and insisting that they feature the colours of the Palestinian flag, with those who bravely wear the traditional red one facing hefty fines or even imprisonment.

That’s just something I dreamt up a minute ago but if I’m thinking it, thousands more must be, and meanwhile the police stand idly by and insist they can do nothing until something actually happens, by which time it will be too late.

So come on, Metropolitan Police, the threats inside my head are growing day by day. It’s time for mass arrests of anyone who seems like the sort of person who might do the sort of thing I haven’t even imagined yet. You know our friend Suella would agree.