Middle class ketamine users 'risk delusions of cool'

RECREATIONAL sedative ketamine can induce the false belief of coolness in well-heeled teenagers, scientists have claimed.

The chemical horse cosh has become a popular party favour in recent years, with over 300,000 UK users.

But there is increasing evidence that the drug causes teenagers from stable, loving middle-income homes to construct ‘edgy’ alter egos.

These adopted personae typically wear battered top hats with moss-coloured hooded tops pocked with ‘blim burns’ and claim to enjoy Estonian turbo-folk music.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The potency of Ketamine is such it can make a barrister’s son from Windsor believe he is someone called ‘DJ Che Headfuck’ and organise dubstep raves in pub skittle alleys that smell of piss.

“Besides an obsession with ‘free parties’ and evil-looking mongrel dogs called things like Bender, there is a general sense of existing outside of the capitalist ‘regime’.

“Apparently the buying and selling of drugs isn’t a capitalist transaction if you either spend the money on Special Brew or just lose it down the back of a car seat.”

He added: “In extreme cases the user may create bad verse about the ‘New World Order aborting foetuses in da womb with $$$ death rays’ and write it on the wall of an underpass in Bristol.

“By this stage there is little that can be done.”



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Ryanair to phase out passengers

RYANAIR boss Michael O’Leary is to end passengers.

O’Leary said he was forced to make the move due to shrinking profits and the constantly wailing voices in his head.

He added: “We will continue to ensure all our customers have the Ryanair experience, but at a much lower altitude.”

Nikki Hollis, one of the first to trial the new system, said: “I booked my Alicante flight over the phone, when my credit card was accepted a green mist came through the receiver. I woke seven days later with a pounding headache.

“A small Irish man was standing over me and grinning. He said I’d had a fabulous time in Alicante and handed me a £40 bill for excess baggage.”

Ryanair board member Joseph Turner said: “When Michael mentioned axing passengers I thought he meant in the hatchet sense, to make more fit on board.

“I was reluctant because it would mean more cleaning and affect our turnaround time, but when he explained he meant just grounding them I was quite relieved and gave my full backing.

“Also, he has my eldest son in a cage at the bottom of his garden.”