Negative canthal tilt: five reasons you're hideously ugly, according to TikTok

DO you want to scrutinise parts of your body you didn’t know existed? These five obscure features make you visually repellent, TikTok is happy to explain: 

Hip dips

Many people have a natural inward curve to their hip where the bone meets the thigh. Sadly, the hive-mind of a Chinese social media app has decreed it’s one of the most visually disgusting features you can possess. Did you think you looked good in that body-con dress? Nope! You look like a violin. Be ashamed. 

Asymmetrical face

Flip a photo of your face, I dare you. Do you hate yourself? Perfect. We’ve concluded that any asymmetrical features, no matter how slight, are hideous. We made a filter that points them all out for you. Why does your left eye look like that? Go and cry.

Buccal fat

Ignore the gorgeous round-faced celebs of the past. It has been decided that any fat between cheekbone and jawbone marks you as a minger. Watch this compilation of celebrity glow-ups, where every single one looks better with considerable amounts of surgery, and hate yourself for your fat f**king face. A cocaine habit would create definition.

Showing your lower teeth when talking

It doesn’t matter if it’s natural. That only makes it worse. No-one should know you have a lower row of teeth. Keira Knightley may be able to get away with it, but you? Are you a multimillionaire with a perfect body and enviable credits on IMDB? No? Then hide your ugly teeth and stay in your lane.

Negative canthal tilt

If your eyes have a downward slant, you’ve really lost the genetic lottery. Check out this filter that blasts a red line through your eyes to make it nice and obvious if they’re acceptable or vile. Make your eyeliner fit your eyes if it’ll make you feel better. Just know that every flawlessly cat-eyed influencer thinks you’re pathetic.

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Mum still typing

A MOTHER is still typing a text messages several hours after the three dots indicating she was composing her reply first appeared. 

Yvonne Phelps began typing shortly after a message from her daughter saying ‘busy all wk, pop by Sat-Sun if you want?’ arrived, and apparently has not ceased to type since.

Daughter Charlotte Phelps said: “It’s been four hours and she’s still typing. How?

“I know she does it slowly, peering down through her bifocals, phone at arm’s length in one hand and tapping gingerly with one finger of the other, but still this must be running to a few thousand words.

“And when the messages arrive they’re like modernist literature or the deranged ramblings of a terrorist manifesto. No punctuation, no spaces, no logical connections between sentences.

“Once autocorrect gets involved, it’s like decoding the later works of James Joyce. One message reads ‘sour cow next door fried to Magnet which were binbags? with silver! gin o’clock!’ Make sense of that.

“I’ve hoovered, done two hours work, eaten a full breakfast and she’s still on three dots. What can she be taking so long to say?”

Yvonne Phelps’s reply, when it eventually arrived, read ‘Ok’.