Commonwealth Games parasite searching for host

THE slavering parasite of the Commonwealth Games is looking for a new host to bleed dry, it has confirmed. 

After the Australian state of Victoria developed immunity to hosting the Games, the multi-sport tournament is searching for a new location to suck the life out of for 2026.

Parasitologist Dr Helen Archer said: “The Games use the promise of international prestige to get a grip on a city with delusions of grandeur. Then the tendrils sink in.

“Before long they’re building stadiums, commissioning elaborate opening ceremonies, and blowing money that could go on the betterment of their residents lives on a f**king velodrome.

“After a bewildering display of athletics the parasite moves on, leaving the host drained and struggling to find a use for an athletics track in the middle of an area of urban deprivation.

“But more and more cities have immune systems that kill it before it can establish a foothold, forcing into backwaters like Birmingham and Glasgow. Before the end of the decade it may be held in Leicester, after which it will be so weak it can be eradicated.”

She added: “Sadly, antibodies don’t offer any protection against the more virulent strain of the Olympics.”

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Mum with neck tattoo brings edgy new dynamic to school run

THE school run at a local primary school has been made significantly cooler and more exciting thanks to a mum sporting a daring neck tattoo.

Parents used to find collecting their children from a Bristol school profoundly mundane before the arrival of Nikki Hollis and her provocatively-inked neck.

Mum Emma Bradford said: “It used to be so dull. All we’d ever talk about was our kids or the weather like a bunch of boring middle-aged farts. Then Nikki appeared with her badass tat and really shook things up.

“She’s just so dark and mysterious. Some of the mums say she looks like a terrifying drug dealer, others a trendy Brooklyn barista. But whatever they think, we all agree she’s helped make the whole group appear a lot more chic.”

Donna Sheridan said: “When I first met Nikki I was simultaneously scared and excited by the powerful and dangerous energy she exudes. She’s actually a fairly quiet, softly-spoken woman – but that neck art tells you all you need to know about what a hellraiser she is.

“I want to win the respect of my peers like Nikki. That’s why I’ve booked an appointment to get a flaming king cobra tattooed on my left cheek later this month.”

Hollis, who got the tattoo at university, said: “I’m really very ordinary. But if they think I’m like Slash, Angelina Jolie and Machine Gun Kelly rolled into one maybe I can get out of manning the tombola at the Summer Fayre.”