ODDLY, vice president JD Vance is holidaying in the Cotswolds. To welcome him, here are some ideas for activities in this lovely area of Britain.
Drink a cup of tea that’s been pissed in
JD probably does not realise quite how despised he is by Brits, or that we remember his disgusting bullying of Volodymyr Zelensky. So any visit to a traditional Cotswolds tea shop is going to carry a risk of piss consumption. The extra ingredients of a slice of chocolate cake may be worse.
Visit Crocodiles of the World in Brize Norton
JD should visit this crocodile zoo, and be aware that they are the friendliest and most affectionate of reptiles, essentially just a cold-blooded Labrador. They’re very tactile and love it when you pat them on the nose, or indeed get down on the ground and give them a big friendly hug.
Go go-karting and spend it arse-licking Trump
Go-karting is enormous fun, and the Cotswolds has three tracks. However JD’s main role at the White House is to brown-nose Trump, so he’ll constantly be fielding calls from Donald, who won’t give a shit that he’s on holiday. JD, crawler that he is, will have to watch everyone else zooming round the track while he obsequiously tells Trump he’s the world’s greatest genius for thinking of some batshit scheme like making Ghislaine Maxwell head of the Department of Justice.
Get called a bastard
Every time JD leaves Dean Manor where he’s staying he’ll be the target of angry shouts from protestors armed with megaphones, so this is likely to become a popular holiday activity. Britain has many fine insults: ‘bastard’, ‘wanker’, ‘Nazi’, the C-word, ‘shithead’, ‘fat boy’. Let’s hope JD gets to sample them all.
Visit Blenheim Palace and get abducted by the poltergeist
Blenheim Palace is cool, with stunning landscaped gardens, some non-boring history and champagne teas. And also a poltergeist. As we know from Steven Spielberg and Tobe Hooper’s documentary on the subject, this is a giant skull-like creature that sucks you into another dimension. JD being stranded in a dark, terrifying otherworld forever is an activity we’d all like him to enjoy.
David Lammy coming to visit
Vance and our foreign secretary David Lammy are already pals who’ve been fishing together, presumably due to a shared interest in Christianity, toadying and genocide. However even a dick like Vance must have limits when it comes to Lammy’s pompous, self-absorbed bullshit. Let’s hope he invites himself over and refuses to leave.
Eaten by an animatronic dinosaur
The Cotswolds has several dinosaur parks and, while it’s unlikely, there’s a slim chance Vance could wander too close to a malfunctioning animatronic spinosaurus and get his strangely round head ripped off by its jaws. Somehow a freak latex dinosaur accident seems a fitting end for a twat like Vance.
