Duuuh, Everyone Tells Jimmy Carter

EVERYONE said 'duuuh' last night after former US president Jimmy Carter accused Barack Obama's critics of racism.

As Carter hit out at the right-wingers who have tried to derail Obama's healthcare reforms, millions of people shoved their tongues behind their lower lips while banging the backs of their hands together.

Tom Logan, professor of American history and politics at the London School of Economics, made a funny face and hit himself repeatedly on the head, shouting: "Ooh, look at me, I'm Jimmy Carter."

He added: "He is getting very old. Perhaps he's just woken up after a long nap."

Meanwhile Jim Bishop, a Democratic congressman from Pennsylvania, said: "I respect President Carter but I hope for his sake there's a Nobel Prize for stating the unbelievably obvious."

But anti-Obama campaigners rejected Carter's claims and insisted their protest was against socialism, before dressing up as 19th century doctors in long pointy hats and setting fire to a hospital bed on the White House lawn.

Lyle Stephenson, from Arkansas, said: "Listen here ya fancy ass Yankees, I ain't no racist and I sure done learned all about socialism after watchin' them electric pictures on the Fox News."

He added: "Socialism is an economic system brought about by them fuzzy haired folks with a fondness for fried chicken when they're not smokin' reefer cigarettes and bangin' on their bongo drums."

His friend, Billy McKay, said: "I never did trust that Jimmy Carter with his flared nostrils and his fat, rubbery lips.

"Seems to me that mibbes his great grandmomma might a lifted her petticoats for one of them big, ugly socialists."

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Skank Gene Isolated

TEENAGE girls who have sex before they are old enough to have a library card are a victim of their DNA, it was claimed last night.

Researchers say the 'Colchester2043' gene was prevalent in every test subject found naked under a pile of coats at a school disco.

According to experts Colchester2043 looks like a pair of hoop earrings surrounding a bottle of WKD. It is also a recessive gene whose phenotypic characteristic expresses itself via the wearing lingerie for a night out in mid-February.

Professor Julian Cook said: "This clearly plays a role in early sexual development, even though most teenagers are like muskrats dipped in pheromones and would dry-hump a pile of bricks."

Cook believes gene therapy could help carriers of Colchester2043 and has called for extra funding for experimental knee-stapling and the staged withdrawal of skanks from McDonalds car parks.

But Gemma Hollis, Sheffield's reigning under-16 Skank of the Year, said she always knew her sexual impulses were beyond her control, before cleaning her trap with a KFC handwipe and arranging her next bout of intercourse via text message.

She added: "So, am I getting paid for talking to you? Give us a tenner and I'll throw in a Reverse Dutch Steamboat as well."