Earth hails successful Mars invasion

ALL the major Martian cities have been successfully destroyed.

Earth landed squadrons of giant death robots on the surface of the Red Planet in the early hours of this morning. These have since decimated the Mars capital of N’Lor with over nine million Martian casualties.

A spokesman for the collective governments of Earth said: “Since advanced humanoid life was discovered on the far side of Mars last month, the race has been on to build giant killer robots and then drop them onto the unsuspecting planet from huge intimidating-looking motherships.

“Although we don’t know much about the martians and their culture – it seems to be mainly about peace, philosophy, and so forth – surely they have some stuff that is worth taking. Plus it’s always good to win any military campaign, however passive the opponent.”

Astronomer Tom Logan said: “From what we’re learned so far, the human-like inhabitants of Mars are largely non-aggressive.

“Mostly they are just running away screaming or begging for their children’s lives moments before being blasted into fiery oblivion.

“It’s exciting to think what we might find in the smouldering wreckage of their civilisation.

“My only reservation is that the invasion might attract the attentions of another warlike alien race like us.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I don’t know why they’re spending all these billions on space war when there’s so many nations on Earth that could do with a good destroying.”



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Nation’s euphoria gone by midday

BRITAIN’S feeling of upbeat confidence will have been completely obliterated by lunchtime, it has been claimed.

Following a weekend of sporting triumphs, by Sunday evening the UK had reached levels of optimism unseen since 1587 when Sir Francis Drake returned from Cadiz with the king of Spain in a headlock.

But a combination of commuting and re-acquaintance with work colleagues means that by the time the country consumes its sad vacuum-packed sandwiches at its collective desks, the Olympics will once more be that thing in London that cost too much.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “An hour on a crowded train watching somebody sweat all over your suit while they read sub-literate porn on an overpriced Etch-A-Sketch will trigger a sharp emotional comedown.

“Anyone arriving at work still elated will be demoralised by the inevitable colleague relating everything that happened to them since 5pm on Friday in the minute detail normally reserved for a crime reconstruction.”

“Those who don’t work are unlikely to fare much better. The school holidays mean anybody staying at home will be no more than eight feet away from a chronically bored child and must cope with the weather equivalent of Russian roulette where three of the gun’s chambers are loaded with horizontal rain.

“Morale is likely to remain low unless the Olympics closing ceremony features Boris Johnson zip-wiring into the hollow torso of a wicker man surrounded by children with flaming torches.”

Wayne Hayes, a desk-residing organism from Carlisle, said: “I remember when Mo Farah was hugging his family on the track thinking to myself ‘It really doesn’t get better than this’ but I had hoped not to be proven so catastrophically right so quickly.”